Saturday, July 18, 2015

Dog named Sex

Some funny stuff I am digging up during cleaning up my email:

 Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
 When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.
 He said,
"I'd like to have one, too."
 Then I said,
"But this is a dog!"
 He said he didn't care what she looked like.
 Then I said,
"But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old."
 He said I must have been quite a kid.
 When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
 He said every room in the place was for sex.
 I said,
"You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!"
 The clerk said,
"Me too."
 One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.
 Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around.
 I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
 He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
 "But you don't understand," I said,
"I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
 He called me a show-off.
 When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog.
 I said,
"Your honour, I had Sex before I was married."
 The judge said,
"Me too."
 Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
 He said, "Me too."
 Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.
 A cop came over to me and asked,
"What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?"
 I said,
"I'm looking for Sex."
 My case comes up Friday.

This was an actual email exchange on "Car-Classified" list:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 05:31:09 +0000 (UTC)
From: Mark Gibson
Newsgroups: cmi.classifieds.vehicles
Subject: Re: piano lessons
Kevina Lam wrote:
>Doctoral student in piano
>teaching assistant at Univeristy of Illinois
>patient and experienced
>reasonable rate
Nobody in their right mind would pay you a dime for piano lessons since you can't even figure out that cars rarely have pianos in them.
Another good old one :)

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.  She heard the train stop and her son say,  "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!  And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!  I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO  HOURS.   When you come out, you may play with your train again, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your  trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."  She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.  We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

This one builds up gradually but then suddenly ... explodes :)

Come early and bring your lunch 
A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "TOILET" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people atone time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late." "The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C." "I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather." "If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks." "Remember, this is a friendly community." 
Short and furious :)

Cow giving birth
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Children ... Oh, children :)

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"

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