Monday, April 21, 2014

Revelation: Cannot Earn Content!

I have had a series of revelations recently, many of them in the form of body awareness, a sense of completion, but the last one is more intellectual: Cannot earn content!

The deepest sense of happiness, being content and full, is not earned through hard work and focus and grit. It is more like a state of surrender and serendipity. All these years, I have carried this deep, unconscious association between happiness and hard work. To be fair, it has motivated me to work really hard and gain a lot of things in life, a lot of things except happiness! This is not really complicated or philosophical; it is as easy and mundane as this observations: Whenever the weather is nice and pleasant, I feel this compulsion to play tennis, not only because I enjoy playing tennis, but more importantly because, deep down, I believe that I need to earn ``enjoying pleasant weather'' by running and playing hard and sweating a game of tennis.

The weather is very nice today and I could be playing tennis this evening. Or I could go to the regular coffee shop to read and write. Either way, I would try to earn my way into being happy and content. Instead, I spent a little time in the back yard cleaning and now am sitting there, a bottle of beer besides me, and writing this post. I may be far, a long way, from letting happiness happen to me, without trying to earn it, but I have a feeling that I am on the right path.

PS. It's 9 and in the three hours since I wrote the above, a number of interesting events has happened and I came across some more realizations. I spare you all the details and go to them directly. First, I realized that our actions and decisions do not correspond to, and guarantee, our happiness and content. The overall effects of our decision is like a path that we take in life, and it may be a more direct path to self-realization, or an indirect, bending road to no destination! In any case, true happiness and deep content are serendipitous events that may realize when we surrender. That is an amazingly liberating observation,
I was sitting outside the coffee shop, annoyed, hurt, and feeling insecure. As I watched the clouds pass slowly, colored by the evening sun, suddenly something shifted inside me. I was watching something spectacular, and felt close to all people (specially native Americans, for some reason) who would have watched the same scene over hundreds of years. I then realized that what I observed was a unique present for me, something that no one could get from me and I felt more secure.
I will have very difficult moments in the future. The moments of understanding and ecstasy come and go, and they do not guarantee anything because, going back to where I started this post, true happiness and deep sense of content are gifts, they are not the results of our efforts and determination, but our acceptance and surrender!

PPS. It's 11:30, and I have mixed feelings about what I wrote here, what if I wake up tomorrow and feel totally stupid for writing them? Anyway, I just had an image that I am walking in a desert and everyone that I have known, friends, family and loved ones, are all scattered behind me in the distance. I want to talk to someone, but no one is near. 

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