Monday, March 03, 2014

Change of Seasons

[Sunday, February 23, 2014] I am alone, entering a strange land of unknown, where words and their meaning are suspended in the air, whirling  and twisting. Everything is as usual and yet it feels different. Everyone I know travels in his or her own direction and I am fine with it. As much as I love many of them, I can respect their own being as a sacred individual. I can see their strength as well as mine.
Maybe I have finally reached the solitary life that I was always fantasizing about.

[Monday] Maybe I need someone's attention and because I am not approaching the need directly, I am caught in a passive-aggressive mood of sulking :)
It's just that the last few weeks have brought me a new set of ideas and practices that I initially tried to share here and with my friends and family directly, but I realized more and more that I cannot describe these new things well, or sometimes at all. It strangely feels as if I cannot love anyone anymore!
Well, we will see how things will turn out, quite soon probably.

Last Friday I watched this episode of Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer (Season 7, Epsiode 11) and I became very emotional:

As I watched the Belgian Malinois Viper, I could easily identify with the dog's extreme fear/anxiety and at the same time its excellence at its job, a reminiscence of my own past!
Today, I was reading the Cesar Millan's book, ``Cesar's Way,'' and I felt a deep connection to the following parts:
When we humanize dogs, we create a disconnect for them. By humanizing them, we are going to be able to love them the way we would love a human, but we're never going to achieve a deep communion with them. We're never really going to learn to love them for who and what they truly are.
…  people … who are reluctant and sometimes downright unwilling to let go of the picture they have in their minds of their dogs as cute little people. Their dogs are their ``babies'' and by thinking of them otherwise, their owners are afraid they'll somehow lose the connection between them instead of strengthen it. … Often when I leave a consultation, I fear that the dog I've just met is never going to get the chance to live a peaceful, balanced life because her owner seems unlikely and unwilling to change. … Think of getting to know your dog for who she really is as an exciting new adventure! Consider the great privilege you will be given, being able to live side by side with and learn to see the world through the eyes of a very special member of a completely different species! … You are giving another living creature the highest form of respect, by letting that creature be what she is supposed to be. ---pp. 84-85, Cesar's Way
The wisdom in this quote can be extended to my relationships with myself and others! I cannot describe it very well as I have ventured into a realm these past couple of weeks that is not captured by words.

And then, sometimes it seems to me that everything that I have done this past few years has been a dream … all my thoughts have been hallucinations … baseless, simply and utterly wrong, and I just have to go back to my medication. It is very frightening. Breathe in, and breathe out … don't panic … all these thoughts will pass … stay calm, just stay calm and open. There are certain things that I experience, a lucidness, fluidity, and instability of thoughts and emotions, that no one talks about. As if by opening myself, through meditation and mindfulness practices, to experience the full range of emotions and thoughts I have gain a freedom but that freedom has rubbed me of an anchor. When I do not define my life based on other people's expectations, society's norms and expectations, then I have nothing solid to rely on. My habits, good or bad, stabilize me and without them I am floating aimlessly through life!

Well, actually searching on ``dangers of meditation'' brings up many results, although most of them are nonsense, but I guess there are bits and pieces of truth to be found in some of them :) Some better links:

[Tuesday] Last night I went through many sites. I was worried and anxious to start with and by the end of my web browsing I felt angry and disappointed. This morning, however, all last night worries seem far. I cannot even remember what exactly triggered all those thoughts. :)

[Wednesday] Today I received this book in the mail, ``The Masters of Private Equity and Venture Capital,'' by Robert A Finkel and David Greising. The reason I bought this book was the following part from the introduction:
But, as I reviewed Doriot's writings recently, I found a passage that captures the essence of his thinking and shows why his voice rang so powerfully, not just among Harvard Business School graduates but also among a new industry of private investors:
The study of a company is not the study if a dead body. It is not similar to an autopsy. It is the study of things and relationships. They are very much alive and constantly changing. It is the study of something very much alive which falls or breaks up unless constantly pushed ahead or improved. It is the study of men and men's work, of their hopes and aspirations. The study of the tools and methods they selected and built. It is the study of conceptions and creations---imagination---hopes and disillusions.
What Prof. Doriot described, in the misleadingly simple phrase as ``the study of a company,'' is really the essence of what private investment is all about. ---p.2, The Masters of Private Equity and Venture Capital
I am fascinated by the idea of thinking about companies, or more generally human organizations, as living things. I even go as far as imagining them having some primitive form of subconscious, if not full-blown consciousness!

[Friday] This morning I watched another powerful episode of Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer TV show:

This episode ends with the information that "Baby Girl" is diagnosed with bone cancer and dies about 3 months after the completion of the show. Does this additional piece of information change our view of this dog's behavior? What is the true purpose of keeping an animal alive against her wish to starve to death? What is the point of fighting the nature?

[Monday, March 3, 2014] When I started writing this post a week ago, I had no idea that it would end like this! I was feeling a change, a chapter closing and a new chapter being opened. The prospect of finding a new job that would suit me better and so on. But the past several days, since Thursday evening to be more specific, have been difficult, perhaps one of the most difficult and frightening episodes of my life. I feel a force pushing me to change my current situation, as I am bored with not doing anything. And I am facing a deep fear, hesitant to move forward. Nothing seems to come easy to me these days, which is worrisome. There is no ease and grace in my life, just struggle after struggle.

Speaking of fears, one of my deepest fears surface when I confront the possibility of error and mistake by myself or someone close to me, like Sima. It is dreadful and causes a sense of falling apart within, with excruciating pain. It may be the outcome of observing my mother falling into a nervous breakdown when I was a child.
I internalize the fear of the outside world and its order falling apart and feel it as if my own body is disintegrating. All I can do is to stay calm and open, as much as I can, and let the things evolve without overreacting, so that with repetitions I gain the confidence that, in fact, I won't disintegrate, that I can survive. I know I will survive, if I  stay calm and open to what happens inside and outside me.

I will survive and things will be better.

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