Thursday, August 22, 2013

Spider

Do you hear the calls of a boy
who went to a forest
with his parents,
on a sunny, delightful afternoon?
Playing in the woods
he heard a faint voice:
``Find the magic mushrooms!
Find the magic mushrooms!"
``What are the magic mushrooms?''
``They are magical,
give you power,
make you attractive,
and you won't need your parents
anymore!''
The boy looked at his parents,
busy talking and fondling,
and he started to walk off,
following the voice,
hypnotized
by tall trees,
deep scent of wood, and
vibrant colors.
Hours went by
and he suddenly realized
the voice was gone
the sun was setting behind trees,
shadows long and frightening,
mushrooms
all deadly and poisonous,
and he could not find
his way back
anymore.

Do you hear the calls of a man
still wandering
the deep dark forest?

*********************

Inspired by David Cronenberg's movie, Spider

This poem has a piece of my soul. I could feel it last night after I wrote it. It does not make it better or worse, but it's a fact :)

Friday, August 16, 2013

On The Verge

Speechless
Mesmerized
by the formidable force of
the undercurrents deep down the ocean
and in comparison
the mighty Titanic
is puny,
forgettable

You
want to know
what's
Horror?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6tV1yfEPTk

چه دانستم که این سودا مرا زین سان کند مجنوندلم را دوزخی سازد دو چشمم را کند جیحون
چه دانستم که سیلابی مرا ناگاه بربایدچو کشتی ام دراندازد میان قُلزُم پرخون
زند موجی بر آن کشتی که تخته تخته بشکافدکه هر تخته فروریزد ز گردش‌های گوناگون
نهنگی هم برآرد سر خورد آن آب دریا راچنان دریای بی‌پایان شود بی‌آب چون هامون
شکافد نیز آن هامون نهنگ بحرفرسا راکشد در قعر ناگاهان به دست قهر چون قارون
چو این تبدیل‌ها آمد نه هامون ماند و نه دریاچه دانم من دگر چون شد که چون غرق است در بی‌چون
چه دانم‌های بسیار است لیکن من نمی‌دانمکه خوردم از دهان بندی در آن دریا کفی افیون

********************

Yesterday was difficult. I started today fearing the worst to come. Then, I got lucky and had a moment of clarity that changed today's path, and I was more hopeful ... LOL

During the day, I came across this on a friend's blog. I wanted to write more but I did not. Too long and not sure about the consequences :)

Sex is not a goddamn performance

***************** 
This is amazing. It is much more than it first appears, much more! :)

http://www.intervoiceonline.org/2204/voices/personal-experience/learning-from-voices.html

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Me and Them

The teenage barista, she
is always worried
How do I look
Am I perfect
Enough for 
People to love me
Annoys everyone, but
I see in her
How hard I tried
Pretending, wondering
Am I good enough 
To deserve their love?

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Random FB Posts/Revelations :)


No one who is familiar with the nature of neurosis will be astonished to hear that even a man who is very able to carry out an analysis [i.e. psychoanalysis] on other people can behave like any other mortal and be capable of producing the most intense resistances as soon as he himself becomes the object of analytic investigation. When this happens we are once again reminded of the dimension of depth in the mind, and it does not surprise us to find that neurosis has its roots in psychical strata to which an intellectual knowledge of analysis has not penetrated --- Freud

Sometimes a fear comes over me. I ask myself: "What if everything you have done is wrong? All the decisions. Leaving your job. Spending your time thinking and writing, or doing nothing. All based on a whim, a feeling!" And then, I feel the urge to eat, to do something to distract my attention, watch TV, or look for someone who can reassure me. Then, I remind myself that unless I accept the risk of losing, making errors, and hurting myself and others, I will never be able to find out who I am. The only person who is safe, makes no error, and does no harm, is a DEAD person! And I am learning to deal with the basic, inherent anxiety of being a fallible human 

I am thinking about writing five short essays on the following topics:
(1) Death
(2) Dreams and Creation
(3) Emotional Abuse
(4) A Cyclic Theory of Moderation
(5) A New Approach to Decision-Making...See More


Therapy Lesson (today): 
I love/like you but I don't like what you did.

At the highest level, the concept of "self" is constructed from narratives that we impose on our life experiences. Hence, "Self Knowledge" is more like "Self Construction". The tricky part is that the construction, for the most part, does "NOT" take place at the conscious level. I believe, the subconscious processes involved in the construction of a "self" are very similar to those involved in "dream construction." Reaching a coherent self (i.e. Buddhist's enlightenment?!) is limited by the scope of our conscious influence on the process. I am convinced that the main challenge of the 21st century will be in understanding these subconscious processes and integrating them in our elaborate conscious knowledge of the world (i.e. science and technology). It's the ultimate science-fiction! LOL

I started my work/study today with a mental image and I ended with a cool ``Osmosis Theory of Self-Realization'' that combines (and explains) areas such as self-knowledge, acceptance, shame and defense, healthy narcissism, authenticity, transitional space (of Winnicott) and more. 
Wow, sometimes it is so amazing to be alive! 

Inner wisdom and God are similar in that they are stories that we create for our lives. As we polish our heart and enlighten the dark areas of our mind, our stories become more coherent, our inner wisdom deeper and our God more powerful. At some point we become the God and wisdom that we have created .... Magic!

For the record, I am listening to this, so you can blame Stravinsky if you do not like my post, LOL, everyone knows he was a crazy dude  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycOatuaQmbs
www.youtube.com
David Shallon conducts the Orquesta Sinfónica de Radiotelevisión Española (Spani...


Monday, August 12, 2013

Self-Abuse

In my previous post, [Healthy Narcissism and Abuse], I defined the abusive relationship as one in which the abuser invades the natural narcissistic space of the abused and induces a deep sense of shame and worthlessness in the victim. Often, the abuser loves the abused and this invasion is done in the name of the improvement and betterment (of the abused) and in many situations the abused person agrees, at some level, with the abuser on the necessity of this invasion.

This bring a rather fascinating question: Can a person abuses his/her own self? The natural question is in such a scenario is, ``who is abusing whom?'' My answer involves a simple construct of the mind. [I am going to explore this structure in more depth in my essay on dreams and creation. Hopefully :) ] In this structure, the conscious part of the mind appears to be in charge for the most part when a person is awake. But this is rather a delusion. People make decisions with a faculty that is greater, and subsumes, their conscious and subconscious mind processes. Due to the lack of a better term, I call this ``whole mind/being.'' Self-abuse happens when a person's conscious mind tried to invade the narcissistic space of the same person by forcing changes upon the "whole mind.'' The attempt results in self-doubt, shame, and self-inflicted sense of worthlessness.

Is this scenario too far fetched? Based on my observations, most people engage in such self-abusive behavior on daily basis and with good intentions. Remember that very often, the abusive relationship has an element of love and affection. Abuser typically tries to change something deep inside the abused in order to deal with some of his/her own basic insecurities and shame. It is possible, and quite probable, then that the abuser does not stop at abusing others and engage in self-absuive behavior as well.

*******************

An amazing modern dance piece:

http://vimeo.com/53287720

Sigur Ros - Valtari by Christian Larson from Christian Larson on Vimeo.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Healthy Narcissism and Abuse

We can imagine ourselves to be the best and greatest existence in the world. Many feel uncomfortable doing so. I propose that we need a small ``transitional'' space around us, a little extension of the imaginary world to the real world, in which we act from the conviction that we are the best and greatest thing in the whole universe. I call this the ``healthy narcissism'' because having this space around us protects us against shame and the resulting need to prove ourselves worthy of our being.

I suggest that abuse, specially the psychological and emotional abuse, happens to us when we allow someone to invade and intrude this space and try to change our basic sense of worthiness. Therefore, the abuse victims are identified by a damaged sense of self-worth and a deep and threatening shame that runs through many aspects of their lives.

When the abuse is severe, specially if it's physical or sexual, dealing with it is an important step in any meaningful life improvement. The inherent problem is that most adults enter an abusive relationship in search for a safe and reassuring environment because they have grown up in similar abusive relationships. Setting oneself free from a familiar and yet abusive relationship is one of the hardest challenges in life.

I think of my previous job as such an abusive relationship, not with an specific person but with a situation (or even with myself, if that makes any sense!) I forced myself into situations that would end up hurting my sense of worthiness. I felt ashamed of pretending to be someone else, someone with different likes and priorities. Maybe if I was stronger, I could transform that abusive relationship into one that would respect my basic sense of worthiness. I tried to do that but I was not successful. I had to terminate it, at least temporarily.

Notice that for an adult an abusive relationship is a partnership that is partially created by the victim. In milder forms of (emotional and psychological) abuse, the best approach may be to grow within the relationship and establish that healthy narcissism, that tiny space around us, extension of our imaginary world, in which we are the best and greatest. In fact, there are therapists who believe that ``finding, creating, establishing and maintaining yourself in a difficult relationship'' is the best and surest way to self-knowledge. Yet, this process only starts when you consider and mentally open the ``exit option'' (i.e. the option to terminate the relationship) for yourself.

**********************

On hearing voices, abuse, and self-discovery:

http://www.intervoiceonline.org/2275/voices/understanding-voices/exploring-the-meaning-of-voices.html

http://blog.ted.com/2013/08/08/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-voice-hearing-but-were-too-afraid-to-ask/

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Therapy Lessons


Today in my therapy session something happened that reminded me of a discussion with a friend of mine. Back in May, a friend asked if I looked at my therapist as a role model, or someone that I would want to simulate in my own life, and my initial reaction was dismissive, in the sense that I did not think of my therapist necessarily as a role model.
Today there was an interaction between us around the topic of separating someone's action from his/her character. Basically, I realized that I often confuse the two. :) For example, someone does something that I do not like and I subconsciously start "not liking" that person. Or more importantly, when dealing with people, I act based on this subconscious presumption that if my action goes against their preferences, they won't like me anymore.
Anyway, at some point I "felt" that my therapist is not interacting with me based on these presumptions and seems able to separate his likes/dislikes of my actions from his like/dislike of my character. And then, I noticed that by interacting with him I have learned something at a deeper, subconscious level. I probably had read about this before, and knew it at the intellectual level. But the embodiment of it by my therapist had a crucial role in my deeper understanding.

Dreams and Self-Construction

At the highest level, the concept of "self" is constructed from narratives that we impose on our life experiences. Hence, "Self Knowledge" is more like "Self Construction". The tricky part is that the construction, for the most part, does "NOT" take place at the conscious level. I believe, the subconscious processes involved in the construction of a "self" are very similar to those involved in "dream construction." Reaching a coherent self (i.e. Buddhist's enlightenment?!) is limited by the scope of our conscious influence on the process. I am convinced that the main challenge of the 21st century will be in understanding these subconscious processes and integrating them in our elaborate conscious knowledge of the world (i.e. science and technology). It's the ultimate science-fiction! LOL

http://blog.ted.com/2013/08/08/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-voice-hearing-but-were-too-afraid-to-ask/

"I sometimes discuss dilemmas or problems with them, or ask their opinion about decisions, although I would never let them dictate something to me that I didn’t want to do – it’s like negotiating between different parts of yourself to reach a conclusion ‘everyone’ is happy with. So, for example, maybe there’s a voice that represents a part of me that’s very insecure, which will have different needs, to a part of me that wants to go out into the world and be heard. Or the needs of very rational, intellectual voice may initially feel incompatible with those of a very emotional one. But then I can identify that conflict within myself and try to resolve it. It’s quite rare now that I have to tell them to be quiet, as they don’t intrude or impose on me in the way that they used to. If they do become invasive then it’s important for me to understand why, and there’ll always be a good reason. In general, it’ll be a sign of some sort of emotional conflict, which can then be addressed in a positive, constructive way.

I think there’s actually more continuity between voices and everyday psychological experience then a lot of people realize. For example, everyone knows what it’s like to have intrusive thoughts. And most of us recognize the sense of having more than one part of ourselves: a part that’s very critical, a part that wants to please everyone, a part that’s preoccupied with negative events, a part that is playful and irresponsible and gets us into trouble, and so on. I think voices often feel more disowned and externalized, but represent a similar process."

Judgement Day

Death rose to his feet
Waving his long hands
``How many lives, you tell me
Have I saved? Have I saved?''

Gods shook their heads
In utter disbelief
``Such blasphemous vanity!
Such blasphemous vanity!''




Body Intelligence

As Lucy reflected on her outrageous behavior of the night before, the memory only served to draw her upward, like a flower toward the sun...