Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Where I go ... Where I came from

I am conflicted about writing this post. It still feels a bit early. But these are thoughts that I want to write down. So I start the post today, Tuesday June 4 2013, and we shall see when it sees the daylights of being publicly published, lol

I have had powerful dreams these past few days, dreams that, as soon as I wake up or even sometimes during the sleep, I realize their importance but cannot remember them! Dreams are conversations, in symbols and metaphors, between different parts of our mind/psyche. So, I know important changes, discoveries, and revelations await me in the near future :)

These days I have strong intuitions for things that need to be done. For example, after my yesterday morning's meditation, I had a feeling that I would like to let go of everything that I have ``learned'' in the past few years and reach back to my roots and who I really am. This feeling became stronger and then today I knew that I wanted to read the book, ``Writing Down the Bones,'' by Natalie Goldberg. I picked up the book and came across the chapter ``Going Home''. Here are some excerpts:

It is very important to go home if you want your work to be whole. ... you must claim where you come from and embrace it, or at the least, accept it. ---p. 182
I was a Zen student for many years, and then about a year and a half ago every time I sat zazen I felt more and more Jewish. When I spoke to Katagiri Roshi about this, he said, ``That makes sense. The more you sit, the more you become who you are.'' I began to feel that I had been arrogant to turn my back on my own heritage without knowing anything about it. ---p. 183
But don't go home so you can stay there. You go home so you can be free; so you are not avoiding anything of who you are. If you avoid something, it becomes obvious in your writing. For example, if you are uncomfortable with sexuality, it becomes clear because either your writing never mentions it, as though all your characters, animals, and insects had sexual lobotomies, or you go to the other extreme and always write about whores and porno flicks. ---p. 184, Writing Down the Bones

So here we go. I am thinking the only way to discover who I really am, is to own everything that makes me. Every single good and bad thing about me is a part of me. My country, my people, my culture and heritage. Everything. Good and bad. I do not want to be afraid of facing some parts of my identity, anymore. I need to bring this journey back home, to where I started it so many years ago, and let the circle becomes complete, even though I know better that the circle never does get complete, lol

Images help our mind to capture difficult concepts. Another book that I picked up a few days ago, out of sheer intuition, is ``Eat, Pray, Love,'' by Elizabeth Gilbert. A question that naturally arises when we think about completeness and closure, is that how it is done. Here is an image, from the part I read today, that captures a possible answer:

... So what I asked God that night on the Ashram roof was---given the reality that I would probably never speak to my ex-husband again---might there be some level upon which we could communicate? Some level on which we could forgive?
I lay up there, high above the world, and I was all alone. I dropped into meditation and waited to be told what to do. I don't know how many minutes or hours passed before I knew what to do. I realized I'd been thinking about all this too literally. I'd been wanting to talk to my ex-husband? So talk to him. Talk to him right right now. I'd been waiting to be offered forgiveness. Offer it up personally, then. Right now. I thought of how many people go to their graves unforgiven and unforgiving. ... From that place in meditation, I found the answer---you can finish the business yourself, from within yourself. It's not only possible, it's essential.
And then, to my surprise, still in meditation, I did an odd thing. I invited my ex-husband to please join me up here on this rooftop in India. ... Then I waited until I felt him arrive. ... ---p. 186
Much later I opened my eyes, and I knew it was over. Not just my marriage and not just my divorce, but all the unfinished bleak hollow sadness of it ... it was over. I could feel that I was free. Let me be clear---it's not that I would never again think about my ex-husband, or never again have any emotions attached to the memory of him. It's just that this ritual on the rooftop had finally given me a place where I could house those thoughts and feelings whenever they would arise in the future ... ---p. 187, Eat, Pray, Love
So what does all this mean to me?

I want to place them in my story-telling framework. Imagine a big, heavy nautical rope. It consists of thousands of small threads that are woven together. Our life story is that rope and it contains many parallel story lines, like those tiny threads that run through that rope of our life. To find closure and completeness in our life, we need to recognize those parallel story lines. To make it more concrete, think of your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, wife and children. Each character in our life can be thought of as a story line. To own our life, we would like to know these characters' stories. We want to find empathy and sympathy for all characters of our life, see our life through their eyes.

Wow, this is amazing. Brings chills to my spine! lol

PS-1. Now I realize that moments of sudden intuition, revelation, bliss, and astonishment (like the last line above) are vehicles for transforming our soul :)

PS-2. I don't remember if I have posted this "Tiny Desk Concert" by Mohammad Reza Shajarian here or not, but let's be safe :)

No comments:

Post a Comment

IT'S NOT ...

.. ``It's not your spread, and it's not how strong you are, and it's not how fast you are, because you have all those thing...