Friday, May 24, 2013

Spam Referring

I do not enjoy drinking, anymore, for a long time. If there is a "leg" for drinking, a drinking buddy I guess in English, then it is a little better. But not with Sima, not tonight. It just does not make sense.

I need attention and acceptance, in the shape of being read, being noticed, and being appreciated. I have always denied this need. I feel very uncomfortable dealing with this need for attention. Why? Because in my Kermani origin, asking for attention is the worst sin a person can commit, worse than ... anything! Because if you are worth something, people will notice you. If they don't, then it's because you are not worth anything. And the context, the given, is that you are not worth anything. In Kerman, the presumption is worthlessness, unless you are from Tehran, a genuine Tehrani. Then things may be a little different.

For the fuck's sake, I need attention. Because I need to be some body, worth the food and energy and all that is being spent on me, wasted on me.

The "attention-seeking" part of me is a dissociated part, a "not-me" even. When I come close to encounter this part, I usually panic. I have a bad feeling in my stomach, ready to throw up. And I react in fear, "how about closing this blog?'' kind of reaction.

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