Tuesday, May 21, 2013

My Lil Insecurities

When you lose your job, you lose part of your identity. This is specially true if an important part of your ego, the picture of your self in your mind, depends on how useful you feel you are. Am I doing something to deserve living on earth?

I had a long talk with my mom this morning and we discussed this issue among many others. She told me about some events from my childhood for the first time. Later in the evening, I went to the Atlanta Coffee Roasters to write my analysis of the morning conversations. The coffee shop was closed earlier than usual and I sat outside. Bill, the owner, came out and went in, a few times, and I felt coldness in his behavior toward me. Suddenly, it hit me that I am no longer different from the bums who sit outside the coffee shop and use the free WiFi! It was a moment of feeling weak and rejected.

Once finished my analysis, I felt exuberant and had to talk to someone. So I called my brother in D.C. and caught him walking their dog. Before I can explain my thoughts, he was telling me about his job interviews and grants and more. I suddenly felt jealous. It was a moment of weakness and vulnerability.

Finally I got to the point of explaining my talk to our mother and I felt coldness in his response. He was done walking the dog and his family were waiting for him to join the dinner. Suddenly, I was confused and angry. I really wanted to tell the story, but couldn't. Again, a moment of weakness and confusion.

What is my point? I had a point, I promise.
I used to get really angry at myself when I saw such weaknesses in myself. For some reason, recently, I have been able to accept them. I think I am on the right path :)

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