Saturday, May 04, 2013

HELLO PRIMATES!!! [Explicit Content]

Please be advised that this post contains explicit sexual contents.

Last night after some grading I went to the Athletic Club Northeast (ACN) for a swim. After swim, in the whirlpool, a big white middle-age guy with a very short haircut (who turned out to be a flight attendant later and is probably gay) started a conversation. I told him about quitting my job at GSU and then, as if someone was pushing me to explain my plans, I added that I am going to write. He asked,  ``fiction or nonfiction?'' and  I answered that I have been working on decision-making and people's contradictory decisions. I surprised myself by talking about my future plans as if I knew then exactly! I think this is the type of pressure that I have always felt from people, as if I have to explain myself to everyone!

Part of my dream last night:
I am in an open field, almost like a sea shore, but in front of me is a zoo, or a place with animals (like a nature park). I am asked to masturbate so that my semen is used to fertilize a bunch of monkeys and primates (gorillas and chimps). A stand alone shower appears front of me, again like showers that you sometimes find in beaches, but in front of me is tiled and reminds me of a scene that a bunch of young boys sit in a large bathroom around a porn magazine and masturbate. Even though I am in public, I do not mind the situation and start to masturbate. As I get busy, a question comes to my mind, ``how will my semen be used to fertilize non-humans?'' I get distracted. When I come back to the present and look at myself, I realize that instead of touching/rubbing my penis, I am masturbating by touching/rubbing my big toe (right foot)! Surprisingly, I realize that I am still feeling pleasure and am about to reach orgasm.

Body products (urine, feces, semen) are all related to creativity, because they are the most basic things a body produces. Dreaming of producing them in public captures our fears of being authentic and creative, the fear of being judged and dismissed by others. The type of shame and discomfort is different across different body products, and this may depend on upbringing and social/cultural norms too. I imagine, however, that for most people "feces" are the most disgusting, whereas semen is not as disgusting and has an element of hidden pleasure. Why? Because most people, I guess, are to some extent intrigued/aroused by the idea of being seen while masturbating (sexual excitement) and not so much while defecating (there is a very foul, uncomfortable feeling attached to it). In any case, the interpretation of the first part is that I am feeling more comfortable with being myself and being creative in public. In a way, this confirms my recent sense of ease in explaining myself to strangers, including the event of last night that I described in the beginning of the post.

There are two major twists in the dream: (1) The semen is meant to be used for the "wrong" purpose, to fertilize something that is not supposed to. This indicates that I am not satisfied my plans for applying my creativity. Maybe writing a book (and explaining my ideas in a structured format on this blog) are not good ideas! More interestingly, we can think of the primates as the audience. The dream conveys my doubts and anxieties about the suitability of my creations for the audience, in the sense that human semen cannot fertilize primates. It also reveals my well-hidden feeling of superiority toward my audience!
(2) The masturbation is not done right and yet it produces pleasure. This may indicate a flaw in my approach to authenticity/creativity. Even though I am obtaining pleasure (these days I am happier than ever before) but I am not doing something right and I may not get the end result. At the same time, if I get enough pleasure from touching/rubbing my big toe, I may ultimately reach climax (in a strange, unusual way) and produce semen (the final product).

I think this dream had interesting messages and metaphors. I am going to not force myself to explain myself and my plans to people, as much as I can, and do not prematurely commit myself to career plans. I do not have to explain myself to people, specially strangers! Is this what I do on this blog too? LOL

I will take this blog and writing my ideas less seriously. In fact, I would like to write with more humor and less pretentiously :) I do not need to discover new ideas and prove myself to be a genius in order to live happily.

PS. Ken Robinson's TED talk: How we kill creativity by learning to avoid/be afraid of being wrong:

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