Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Tonight's Resentment

I want to write more.

The late-evening class went well, except for a couple of incidents, maybe. On my way home I was amazed by a few crazy drivers who cut across 2-3 lanes. People appeared to be mad.
When Sima called before class, something she mentioned did not go well with me and drove me into a resentment mood, and when she asked about preparing something small for me to eat when I get home after class, I just said that I did not want anything.
Well, every Tuesday morning I decide that tonight I won't eat anything when I get home after 10 pm and so far I have never done that. On my way home I was thinking that could I keep my promise tonight. When I got home, Sima of course had prepared something. I did not ask anything. Just ate the whole thing and even a little more, on top of that. And watched Seinfeld for an hour.
Now I am filled with a deep sense of resentment. I hate myself for being weak and eating the food. And I hate myself more for paying so much attention to such a small, trivial event and blowing it out of proportion.

I wanted to write this. I want to write much more about these small petty things that have bothered me my whole life. This sense of people trying to control my life in different ways. The same people who love me. And this confuses me even more.
I think most people have such small problems in their lives but everyone is afraid of other people's judgment. I do not want to give a fuck anymore. People can judge me all they want.

I am feeling a little better now. At least I don't feel the urge to either smoke or get into a fight with Sima. I don't want to hate Sima, and I do not want t be overly dependent on her. There should be a middle way, a way for me.

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