Friday, March 15, 2013

How things are ...

I am happy. My job will end in less than two months. Yet, almost every day, I experience moments of extremely deep joy. My old old depression is almost gone. Sometimes I feel stressed out, nervous, sad, or angry, but I now realize that this is a part of being a human being!

Whenever possible, I do what I want to. In fact, I find it more and more possible to follow my own heart. This is a big change for someone who, only a couple of years ago, did not know what he wanted, had forgotten what love was, could not make simple decisions, and so on.
Many things have happened in the past few months. Some I have documented. Some I did not, and I could not remember, unfortunately. Some I understand, and most, I just feel.
I know that I am on the right path to finding/creating who I am. I am pretty sure that I did the right thing to follow my intuition against the conventions and many people's advices.
I am beginning to like, and accept, myself. It has been a few months that I have noticed fewer incidents of self-hatred, self-blaming and self-torture. This is fascinating.
I wish I could be more clear and specific.

I stopped reading psychoanalytic books two weeks ago. I was reading one such book and, suddenly, I put the book down and in my heart I knew that I did not need to study psychoanalysis anymore and I realized that I did not want to become a student of this profession either. I had a clear vision. My therapist's interpretation was that I stopped trying to fix myself. That makes sense.
I am more in touch with my deep psyche. I know that I do not yet know what I want to do after my current employment is over. I may stay unemployed for a while. But I am sure at some point I will figure out the answer to one of my old questions: Who I want to become?
There are still challenges to overcome. But that's life. I return to some old issues and questions and see them in new light. Most importantly, I try to stay playful, and therefore, creative and in the moment.

It is scary, I want to be honest. But it is most definitely intriguing. I feel that I am facing endless possibilities. I have been able to gradually break away from many self-built prisons that had confined my soul. Now I am sensing what it means to be a human. It is amazing.

PS. An old post that is very much in tune with what I am feeling now: [Attachment and Uncertainty]


  1. "...I stopped trying to fix myself."
    This is a great achievement. I am happy for you.

  2. Daisy jaan,
    It is so good to see you (lol, or read you I guess) after a long time.
    I agree with you and I appreciate what I have accomplished with a lot of hard work.
    Hope all is well with you and wish you a happy New Year!


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