Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Fantasy

Yesterday, around noon, I was anxious and angry. I had a feeling that soon I would have an understanding of my internal conflicts and then things would be back to normal, very similar to what they were 3-4 years ago. And I felt betrayed.

I had to make a difficult choice in the afternoon, an emotional situation that pushed me far into the dark side of my psyche. At one point on my way home I parked in front of a store and was about to buy a pack of cigarettes and end a six week period of quitting. But I did not.

Last night, before I wrote the previous post, I had a deep understanding of myself and how my mind works. I came to peace with my own tendency to talk and conceptualize and intellectualize things! I realized how important, and beneficial, these activities are for me.

This morning, while doing my morning meditation, I saw one of my deepest fantasies. It combines "magic" and "independence". I saw how my unconscious drive to "magically transform" has guided me in the past few years and shaped my decisions. I also saw that an important part of this fantasy of magical transformation, is to become strong and independent of others, because of my unconscious tendency to think of "dependence" as "weakness".

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