Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Revolt

All my life I have been afraid: of hurting other people and of people leaving me, hurting me, getting angry at me. I do not know who I am, because most my decisions have been, directly or indirectly, out of this fear or out of my desire to please everyone and win their approval.

Can I change after 40 some years? I am trying, but the process is scary itself. It is hard to talk to a friend and say things that may hurt him. It feels vulnerable, lonely, and scary to be myself, my real self. Every step of the way, every single decision, has an unbearable weight. Can I get through this?

I am going to be my self, my naked self, and not try to please everyone around me. Easy to say. Painfully difficult to do. I do not know who I am, so I have to pretend that I know, and make decisions accordingly.

I trust that I can go on living without the help of people around me. That sounds trivial. But the fear of losing those close to me has been with me for the longest period of time.

We will see. I have already started showing my self and hurting people. We will see how/where it will end ...


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