Monday, July 02, 2012

Random Thoughts

My mind is disorganized and so is this post.

I spent a few hours in Tehran's metro system today. It is better than Atlanta's marta system, for sure. And you get to see different types of people, so many. I saw a few teenage boys and for some reason they reminded me of my fucked up teenage years and my love affairs and sexual fantasies back then. I had a brief period of stillness too.

My sister and I went to see the Art Expo 2012 in the Vahdat Amphitheater. (link) Some works were nice. Range or prices: 1,000,000 - 20,000,000 Tomans (~ $500-10,000). I realized there that a good way to know yourself is to spend money on what you like. The decision to buy an expensive work of art (worth a month of your income or more) is really intriguing, I imagine. I have never done it because I have never had the guts.
Talked a lot with my sister there too. I had a feeling that the source of my problems (my indecision in two important matters, related to my career and marriage) is something deeper than the problems themselves. Just a feeling.

Last weekend (in the Iranian calendar, weekend is Thursday and Friday and a new week starts on Saturday), we went to my sister's villa in Damavand. About 40 minutes drive to the Northeast of Tehran. Very cool weather specially at night. After many years I slept outside: something we used to do a lot as kids.

I cannot see any solution to my current problems, specially the issue of my job and the eminent transition that I am supposed to go through. Something inside me does not let me get on with this decision. It is a very frustrating situation, worse than anything I have experienced in my life. Maybe not. I had very difficult period only a few months ago!

I need to touch, and being touched by, many different women and even men. I do not know if this is sexual or not. I am not sure if I give a fuck. I mean this urge is so strange and off the wall that I do not know what to think of it. And this happens in the middle of all problems with my career and life. I feel I have lost my internal compass, if I ever had any.

Am I depressed? I do not know. It does not really look like it.

A few nights ago I had a very strange dream and I woke up in the middle of the night totally convinced that I am a homosexual and I need to come out and talk to my family, etc. In the morning, I was out of the panic mood but still managed to talk to my dad a little about his hypothetical reaction to me being homosexual.
Honestly, I think being a homosexual for me is an easy way out. I have been in love with boys and girls, but have not had sex with boys. So I cannot say for sure. But I wish the answer to my problems was as easy (or as difficult) as coming out of closet.

You read this post, and at the end, you definitely ask: What the fuck is your "problem" anyway? The career problem is this. This coming year (2012-13) is my last year at the GSU and I have to look for another job starting this fall. I cannot convince myself to do that (look for a job), partly because I am not sure I want to stay in the same type of job. In fact, I do not have any idea what kind of job I like. I just cannot sort out this situation and this has been going on for the past two years or so.

This past weekend in Damavdan, I tried to organize what I learned in the past few years. I realized that the two focal points of my practices are "returning to now (being in the present moment)'' and "returning to self (knowing who I am)". Right now I feel that I am as far as I have ever been from these principles. I am far away from now, and the realities of the present and its required decisions, and know very little about myself, who I am and who I want to be.
I feel that I have wasted these past few years, totally, and am not sure why I continue.

This is my life. I can do ANYTHING I want with it. I have amazing things in my life: My parents and family, my wife, my job, my income, my house, my friends, and I have worked hard to get many of them. Nevertheless, I can give up ALL of them. It is my right to do so. It may be a very stupid decision, irrational, whatever. But I am the only one who has the right to make that decision!


  1. Here's a suggestion. Sign up for an Argentinean Tango class.

    1. Very interesting jeerjeerak jaan :) I tried Argentinian Tango once before and I wanted to continue, but things went the other way. Nevertheless, it is interesting for me that you make this suggestion based on what I have written, lol


    1. Hey Mocha!
      Interesting playlist with a healthy doze of sense of humor :)
      Internet connection has gotten slow here, so it takes me some time to watch all of them, lol, but thanks for sharing.


IT'S NOT ...

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