Sunday, July 22, 2012

Clean Pool

Sunday morning is cleaning time. The pool was green with algae from a heat wave while we were gone. It is much more beautiful and presentable now, lol.

Morning started okay with my routine morning practice. During breakfast, when I was telling Sima about my plan to go on a trip alone to clear my mind, a sense of agitation started happening inside me. When I was smoking my first cigarette outside, an extremely powerful feeling of nervousness, or an enormous energy, captured me. I felt it mostly in my neck and shoulders. It seemed impossible for me to do anything. I thought about contacting a friend and arranging a few hours in the afternoon or evening to be with her. (This thought was very powerful.) Then I considered calling my parents in Iran, or calling some out of state friends, then asking Sima to give me a massage. But I decided against all of them. I should calm down myself, I thought, I am abusing my relationships and exploiting them too much. I should get though this alone. I started cleaning the pool and after a while a calmness came over me.

There is a fine balance between "responsibility" (what we ought to do) and "desire" (what we want to do) that I have missed in my life. Not long ago, I had no idea about what I "wanted" to do in my life. Everything I did was out of responsibility. Then, I started to drop things that I did because I had to, to find out about what I want to do. Yet, doing things that I have to do, like using drugs, brings a sense of calmness to me. This calmness is necessary for life, and I am missing it now.

I went to a nearby coffee shop around noon and practice "not doing" for a couple of hours. I would like to think that this practice helps me to calm down by myself and clear my mind. I have some idea about what I am going to do today.

Days are stretches of void, pain, and torture. In the morning, I am facing the challenge of getting through another day. I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I am worried that what I am doing (that is, "not doing" practices, avoiding putting my weight on my relationships, and refraining from doing things out of responsibility) combined with my inability to focus on my job, drive me into total madness and despair. But I do not have a better plan. And in reality, a lot of things seems impossible to do right now.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing. See if you can walk yourself, compassionately, into the balance of relying on yourself as well as others to get through life.


IT'S NOT ...

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