Friday, May 18, 2012

Searching for the bottom:

I feel very lonely, maybe deserted.

Today, I spent 4-5 hours in a coffee shop I found randomly, doing nothing. Did some drawing, a little writing, and a little painting with color pencils, but at least 2-3 hours of doing absolutely nothing, except looking at the leaves dancing in the afternoon breeze.

When the boredom gets deep, it tears through my body. I feel as if I am beginning to disintegrate.

Where am I going? Will I ever be able to stand on my own feet, make my own decisions, and take responsibility for them? Do I have a core, an essence? Why do I need the approval of people around me, specially those whom I love?

Will I ever be able to feel happiness from within? Tonight, at the High Museum, I showed one of my favorite works, an amazing work of a Canadian photographer in a giant size, of a bridge at night, to a friend. Why did I do that? Why can't I keep my treasures to myself? Why can't I enjoy my life, my interests, my little discoveries, without sharing them with others and then feel stupid and humiliated?

I understand that photograph, the depth of darkness in it that reaches to, and combines with, my internal darkness. I understand a lot of things that I cannot even describe. Why can't I appreciate this, live with myself and for myself?

Other people's happiness makes me mad. Their independence, their power, their contentment, makes me envious, jealous, furious. What if I can never reach my own essence, my own version of life?

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