When a person is emotionally undifferentiated, his or her overpowering needs for togetherness can feel like a burdensome neediness to be loved and accepted. Many people who feel this way attribute it to having had an insufficient emotional connection with their mothers or fathers. ... In lots of cases, however, their emotional hunger is caused by the presence of a compelling connection that is an emotional fusion. ---pp.58-59
When we have little differentiation , our identity is constructed out of what's called a reflected sense of self. We need continual contact, validation, and consensus (or disagreement) from others. This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are in shifting or uncertain circumstances. We develop a contingent identity based on a ``self-in-relationship.'' ---p.59
Differentiation is more than what sets us apart from others---it determines how far apart we sit. Highly differentiated people have strong emotional bonds. They don't require physical distance, infrequent contact, or totally consuming careers to maintain their separate identities or moderate their reactivity to others. They're not indifferent to others---just the opposite. They can choose contact with others out of deep liking, without being compulsively driven toward them or away. ---p.64, Passionate Marriage
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Reflected Sense of Self
As Lucy reflected on her outrageous behavior of the night before, the memory only served to draw her upward, like a flower toward the sun...
What is ``real''? Anything, any entity, that is repeatable. Something that takes place only once, cannot be real, or at least, we c...
This quote comes after a particularly disturbing and depressing description of life in the Soviet Union in early 20th century: ``Not all ...