Monday, May 07, 2012

Living through

Here is a very simple but deep and profound observation about life. It is simple to state, but very difficult to implement and "live through" :)

We like to believe that ``communication problems'' underline most relationship difficulties because we welcome the idea [that] we can talk our way out of anything. We love the fantasy that we can ``understand'' and ``express'' our way out of our dilemmas.
But this is not what happens. Instead, in unwitting partnership, couples create emotional gridlocks. ...
... I have concluded that some dilemmas aren't meant to be ``fixed''. All problems aren't meant to be ``smoothed.'' The solution we seek sometimes come from living through them. ...
... Hugh and Gail Prather write in Notes to Each Other :
Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending point. We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond--in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soul mate.
This polishing process in marriage is what I referred to earlier as differentiation. In a nutshell, differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love. It's the process of grinding off our rough edges through the normal abrasions of long-term intimate relationships. ---pp.50--51, Passionate Marriage

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