Thursday, May 17, 2012

Empty Shell

Reading this book, Passionate Marriage, has given me a new understanding of myself: I am an empty shell. All my life I have reflected things that I have seen in other people and liked, things that I have read in books and liked. I have no substance: A good event, a deep insight, carries me away and a bad event, a difficult situation, throws me off into the abyss. I cannot make decisions. I cannot figure out who I am and what I want from my life. Nothing. A nothing covered in an elusive shell.

I feel a strong pull to shut down: To close these blogs, to disappear, to end my relationships with everyone I know. Unfortunately, this is not a solution either. I cannot run anywhere from the emptiness inside. There is no place to hide :)

I am not depressed. I look around my room, at all the books in the shelves, and I realize that I am trying to fill the void inside myself with words from these books. If I had a grain of courage somewhere inside me, I would get rid of these books and start experiencing the life for myself. But I cannot. I am afraid. Afraid of what, I do not know.

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