Sunday, March 11, 2012


Thursday, March 1, 2012, was the end of a long spell of extremely difficult struggles with depression. That night, after a long talk with Maziar, I decided to give up on my search for knowing myself and my heart.
On Sunday, March 3, 2012, I was caught up in a euphoric-maniac state of mind. After a long talk with my brother, I decided to not trust my thoughts anymore, specially when they are extreme or when I am in an extreme state of mind.
Monday and Tuesday were okay. In the afternoon of Wednesday, March 7, 2012, I felt the start of another phase of depression as strikes of anxiety in my stomach. On Thursday, March 8, 2012, these sensations grew into periods of extreme fear and guilt with a strong sense of nausea.
The depression stroke hard in the evenings of Friday, March 9, and Saturday, March 10, 2012. The only new aspect was that I could commit to not trusting my thought processes. That lead into a sense of emotional suspension in me. I was feeling as if I am a bubble floating around in the currents of poisonous thoughts. I was not sure how I could make any decisions or take any actions.
Last night (Saturday night) I was watching the movie, "Hangover", and I laughed a lot. When I went out to smoke a cigarette, I felt that a switch in me turned off and I was out of depression. I could hear a weak calm voice from the center of my body that answered my questions with patience. I knew that I was back to a more normal state of mind.
Today, Sunday, March 11, 2012, things have been relatively quiet. I am still on the fence with my thoughts and do not fully trust them. Sometimes, I let the thoughts pass and I ask the faint, calm voice what he thinks. Often times, he tells me to be patient and just let the thoughts come and go, without taking any actions.

These days I am reading the Haruki Murakami's novel, ``Kafka on the Shore''. It is a wonderful book and is steadily climbing to the top of my most favorite list. Here is an excerpt that speaks a lot to me:
Oshima reaches out and lays a hand on my knee in a totally natural gesture. ``Kafka, in everybody's life there's a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can't go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That's how we survive.'' p. 161, Kafka on the Shore


  1. you must have had very hard days. I am really happy that you are feeling better.

  2. I am grateful every time I feel better, but the truth is that I am caught in cycles, never ending cycles :)

  3. Lotus jaan, I always wanted to ask you whether you can cry or you just feel down...I wish I could cry...

  4. Last night I watched the "Forrest Gump" movie on a TV channel and I cried in the last 20 minutes of this movie. I remember a time, a few years ago, that I did not cry much, if at all, but at some point I let it happen. But I agree, crying is a good thing :)


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