Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Recent Developments

For more than two weeks now I have worked on not trusting my thoughts. When a thought is really strong and wants to move you but you do resist and the strong wave passes, a strange feeling appears that I cannot describe. Reminds me of a couple of times that I swam in a stormy sea and was very close to be drowned.

I saw my therapist last Wednesday. He said that addicts are great examples of people seking magic, which in this case is in their needles. A couple of days after the visit I entered the ``land of no magic''. It was a frightening place at first. Now I can see subtle beauties there.

Last Friday I met a retired military and he gave me a couple of interesting practices on ``thought control''. Every day, I spend about an hour (in three 20 minutes sessions, for example) thinking about everything that comes to my mind, possible events and their consequences. A lot of these thoughts are potentially negative or at least emotionally disturbing.

Since Sunday, I have realized two things that I had already known but now they make more sense. First, decisions must be made, knowing that some of our choices will be wrong. When choices are close and we are undecided, just have to pick one, because ultimately the result is not as important as we think at the time. Second, once you make a decision, all interfering thoughts are just thoughts. If you learn to ignore thoughts, and stay cool, you can follow up on your decision.

I tried to tell Sima about my new discoveries but she became very upset. She accused me of being very pessimistic and negative, and warned me that if I keep doing this (whatever she thinks I am doing) I am going to lose my friends. She was very angry. All I said, to start my mini-lecture, was that events in life are not as important as we think and no loss is as bad as we imagine [so once we realize this we can go through almost anything, but I did not get to this point, she was already furious.]

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