Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Recent Developments

For more than two weeks now I have worked on not trusting my thoughts. When a thought is really strong and wants to move you but you do resist and the strong wave passes, a strange feeling appears that I cannot describe. Reminds me of a couple of times that I swam in a stormy sea and was very close to be drowned.

I saw my therapist last Wednesday. He said that addicts are great examples of people seking magic, which in this case is in their needles. A couple of days after the visit I entered the ``land of no magic''. It was a frightening place at first. Now I can see subtle beauties there.

Last Friday I met a retired military and he gave me a couple of interesting practices on ``thought control''. Every day, I spend about an hour (in three 20 minutes sessions, for example) thinking about everything that comes to my mind, possible events and their consequences. A lot of these thoughts are potentially negative or at least emotionally disturbing.

Since Sunday, I have realized two things that I had already known but now they make more sense. First, decisions must be made, knowing that some of our choices will be wrong. When choices are close and we are undecided, just have to pick one, because ultimately the result is not as important as we think at the time. Second, once you make a decision, all interfering thoughts are just thoughts. If you learn to ignore thoughts, and stay cool, you can follow up on your decision.

I tried to tell Sima about my new discoveries but she became very upset. She accused me of being very pessimistic and negative, and warned me that if I keep doing this (whatever she thinks I am doing) I am going to lose my friends. She was very angry. All I said, to start my mini-lecture, was that events in life are not as important as we think and no loss is as bad as we imagine [so once we realize this we can go through almost anything, but I did not get to this point, she was already furious.]

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Did Not Bend

For some reason, I am very happy. I did not give in to some very persistent thoughts, no matter how rational and alluring were they presenting themselves :)

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Land of No Magic

Beyond depression there is a land
where death is the only magic
and sky is painted in black regrets
rivers of sorrow have long disappeared
in hot winds of disgust
and faceless creatures crawl
in shadows of loneliness
desperation echos fill the void
and happy memories cut
deep into my rotten soul

***************

Happy New Persian Year!

***************

I am back from the ``land of no magic''. A very exhausting trip. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

Cats and More ...

I woke up at 4:30 this morning from a strange dream. I cannot remember the details but cats and some characters from the Haruki Murakami's novel, ``Kafka on the Shore'' were involved. I woke up with a strong feeling of loss, of missing something or someone, a feeling that something important is my life has gone terribly wrong, an unbearable sense of loneliness and hopelessness.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Encounter

Where is the butterfly?
The heavy, bold, black man
throws off his hat
shaking and panting

I stare in disgust
at a sweat line traveling
the hardened vein on his skull
You've got to shed some weight!

The Girl in a Blue Dress

Everything's alright, I say
in my most reassuring tone.
Then I let go of her hand
and look out the window
of the 24 hour diner

A deserted street,
an empty parking lot,
rows of gas pumps,
and a red neon sign,
Miller Lite

She shakes her head
says in the slightest voice
Happiness is a solitude, a mountain top
once you reach there
nowhere to go, but to descend

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Empty Bowl

Floating seaweeds
in a miso soup
my heart grows
and I find patience
near the bottom

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Report

Thursday, March 1, 2012, was the end of a long spell of extremely difficult struggles with depression. That night, after a long talk with Maziar, I decided to give up on my search for knowing myself and my heart.
On Sunday, March 3, 2012, I was caught up in a euphoric-maniac state of mind. After a long talk with my brother, I decided to not trust my thoughts anymore, specially when they are extreme or when I am in an extreme state of mind.
Monday and Tuesday were okay. In the afternoon of Wednesday, March 7, 2012, I felt the start of another phase of depression as strikes of anxiety in my stomach. On Thursday, March 8, 2012, these sensations grew into periods of extreme fear and guilt with a strong sense of nausea.
The depression stroke hard in the evenings of Friday, March 9, and Saturday, March 10, 2012. The only new aspect was that I could commit to not trusting my thought processes. That lead into a sense of emotional suspension in me. I was feeling as if I am a bubble floating around in the currents of poisonous thoughts. I was not sure how I could make any decisions or take any actions.
Last night (Saturday night) I was watching the movie, "Hangover", and I laughed a lot. When I went out to smoke a cigarette, I felt that a switch in me turned off and I was out of depression. I could hear a weak calm voice from the center of my body that answered my questions with patience. I knew that I was back to a more normal state of mind.
Today, Sunday, March 11, 2012, things have been relatively quiet. I am still on the fence with my thoughts and do not fully trust them. Sometimes, I let the thoughts pass and I ask the faint, calm voice what he thinks. Often times, he tells me to be patient and just let the thoughts come and go, without taking any actions.

These days I am reading the Haruki Murakami's novel, ``Kafka on the Shore''. It is a wonderful book and is steadily climbing to the top of my most favorite list. Here is an excerpt that speaks a lot to me:
Oshima reaches out and lays a hand on my knee in a totally natural gesture. ``Kafka, in everybody's life there's a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can't go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That's how we survive.'' p. 161, Kafka on the Shore

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Fishermen

My thoughts are running wild
but they cannot go anywhere
because those fishermen have spread their nets
all over my mind
catching them
roasting them on fire
and curing them in salt
for their long winters
and it's too late when they discover
they are feasting on poisonous thoughts

Letter

I write this letter to you
you, who is deaf and indifferent,
and has left me to my doubts and struggles

You were supposed to be there
when all doors are closed,
but I faced the darkness at the end
and found no sign of you

You showed me hints of happiness
and hastily threw me back into my abyss
to fight the demons of my depression

You deaf
who never heard my sobbing
You ruthless son of a bitch
I would have taken my revenge
had you ever existed

Monday, March 05, 2012

Extreme States of Mind

"Extreme thoughts" are unhealthy. They include not only negative extreme thoughts (that, for example, I am in total despair and completely hopeless and have to end my life) but also positive extreme thoughts (that I can gain a state of complete happiness by doing something). The latter, in fact, by raising my expectations lay the foundations for the former.

I need to pay more attention to maintaining a healthy lifestyle and avoid these extreme states of mind
as much as possible.

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Kafka On The Shore

An excerpt from the Haruki Murakami's novel, ``Kafka on the Shore'':

I blush a little and shake my head. Miss Saeki laughs and goes back to the couple. From the chair I watch how she carries herself, every motion natural and elegant. I can't express it well, but there's definitely something special about it, as if her retreating figure is trying to tell me something she couldn't express while facing me. But what this is, I haven't a clue. Face it, I remind myself---there're tons of things you don't have a clue bout. ---Kafka on the Shore, p. 43

Friday, March 02, 2012

Acceptance

I talked with a dear friend just now and we decided that ``acceptance'' is the first step to improve life. But how do you practice acceptance?
1- Sleep well, as much as you need
2- Eat and drink well, pay attention to your hunger and thirst
3- Go to bathroom often, do not keep yourself under the burden
4- Have sex often (with a partner or otherwise masturbate)
That is, first accept your physical needs.

Of course, the list can get much longer:
5- Move your body often, be playful
6- Take shower often, stay clean and sharp

2014-10-08: Why this seems so far and … juvenile ?!? :) I guess the essence of this post is okay, but something does not feel quite right!

Body Intelligence

As Lucy reflected on her outrageous behavior of the night before, the memory only served to draw her upward, like a flower toward the sun...