Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Freedom

Death is the gateway to liberation. All worries, plans, expectations, disappointments, frustrations and resentments fade away in the face of death.

I was 25 and single. A night at a friend's apartment in Ekbatan complex. Lots of booze and opium. Three of us stayed up all night and in the morning talks got crazier and crazier. One of my friends started talking about his affairs with married women. The other two of us condemned his irresponsible behavior. Deep down, however, I was feeling a sense of freedom. Later the same day, I called a friend at her work place. I had not met her in a while because I knew she was getting married. I persuaded her to meet me after work and we went to my place and ... A few days later, I was sleeping in the afternoon when she ringed my door and came down to my place in the basement of my parents' house and ... When I was giving her a ride afterward, she started talking about her husband and I realized things could get complicated so I did not return her calls after that.

Last night, in the peak of my frustration and anger, as I was contemplating my death, I remembered the incident. I did not feel any remorse, pain or pleasure. All I could recall was the sense of freedom in my friend's house that morning. The feeling that it was possible to sleep with a married woman.

Death is the great equalizer. All things we label as good or bad become equal as we face our death. At the verge of nothingness, nothing matters anymore. Except, in my experience, the memory of moments that we felt our freedom to do whatever we wanted to do.

I do not know what I want. I will probably end up doing nothing with my life. More nights will come with frustration, depression, anger, resentment, desperation, etc. And one night, ultimately, will be the last night. But it does not really matter.

Viva la freedom! Viva la death!

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