Wednesday, February 29, 2012


This is an important talk for a number of reasons:


Death is the gateway to liberation. All worries, plans, expectations, disappointments, frustrations and resentments fade away in the face of death.

I was 25 and single. A night at a friend's apartment in Ekbatan complex. Lots of booze and opium. Three of us stayed up all night and in the morning talks got crazier and crazier. One of my friends started talking about his affairs with married women. The other two of us condemned his irresponsible behavior. Deep down, however, I was feeling a sense of freedom. Later the same day, I called a friend at her work place. I had not met her in a while because I knew she was getting married. I persuaded her to meet me after work and we went to my place and ... A few days later, I was sleeping in the afternoon when she ringed my door and came down to my place in the basement of my parents' house and ... When I was giving her a ride afterward, she started talking about her husband and I realized things could get complicated so I did not return her calls after that.

Last night, in the peak of my frustration and anger, as I was contemplating my death, I remembered the incident. I did not feel any remorse, pain or pleasure. All I could recall was the sense of freedom in my friend's house that morning. The feeling that it was possible to sleep with a married woman.

Death is the great equalizer. All things we label as good or bad become equal as we face our death. At the verge of nothingness, nothing matters anymore. Except, in my experience, the memory of moments that we felt our freedom to do whatever we wanted to do.

I do not know what I want. I will probably end up doing nothing with my life. More nights will come with frustration, depression, anger, resentment, desperation, etc. And one night, ultimately, will be the last night. But it does not really matter.

Viva la freedom! Viva la death!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


sulk  (slk)
intr.v. sulked, sulk·ing, sulks
To be sullenly aloof or withdrawn, as in silent resentment or protest.
n. A mood or display of sullen aloofness or withdrawal

sulk [sʌlk]
(intr) to be silent and resentful because of a wrong done to one, esp in order to gain sympathy; brood sullenly  

1. (often plural) a state or mood of feeling resentful or sullen  
2. Also sulker a person who sulks

I have been looking for this verb in English.  "Sulking" is my main defense against adversaries in life. Retreating into silence and resentment. That is when I hate myself and others the most. To be fair, a lot of people I know use this same mechanism without admitting it. But I can be candid now, as much as I wish, because I do not give a fuck anymore.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Lollipop Moments

I had a wonderful time tonight with a friend and I was so grateful that I did not know how to express myself.

It was interesting, and a bit freaky, when I came across this talk in TED about the powerful role that we play in each other's life in simple and sometime unrecognized and unappreciated ways:

Monday, February 20, 2012


When it's time to say goodbye
I will miss my dad the most
because I never found the courage
to tell him how much I love him

I' ll ask for their forgiveness,
in my thoughts, and
will tell them that I am tired,
very tired,
that I need to sleep
for a very very long time.


PS. (11:50 p.m.) I slept for an hour after writing the above poem, not a very very long time, and then played an hour of tennis. I felt much better after that, and half an hour ago I called my dad in Iran and told him how much I love him, and forced him to tell me that he loves me :) This item is off my list.

Migration Call

Hundreds of migrating birds
in my backyard
flying around, making loud noises
calling me to go?

I wish strong arms
around my body
to take me away
to the land of no memories.

I asked my therapist
and he said:
``Parts of you want to die
and new parts are re-born.''

Dying is too personal
to share, even with dearest friends
and being reborn
is way too painful.

And if our spirits live on
why being afraid?
Dear travellting friends
I am begging you ...


My mom was a high school chemistry teacher. I have a faint memory of some nights that she brought her students' exams home to grade them. I was in elementary school and I enjoyed helping her with grading: adding grades, entering them, and such. It made me proud in my childhood state to be able to help my mom in such an important matter: her students' exams!

Last night I could not sleep. My mind was running at full speed. So finally I got up and graded exam papers for a couple of hours, and then slept. Today, an email conversation brought back those memories of helping my mom with grading. I simply realized that the memory was among few good ones that I can remember from childhood. I also realized that I actually enjoy grading.

Some simple observations, that's it.

Good and Evil

Many religions indicate that everyone has God and evil inside and this duality ensues an endless internal conflict.
This simple observation has clashed with my attempts to understand what I want to do and to be, and to find my passion in life.
I assumed that by following my heart and doing what I want, starting with simple matters, I will be able to answer the question.
So far, I have had no success, and to the contrary, my strategy has increased my internal conflicts to an unbearable level.
I am not sure what is the right way to proceed, and what I am doing wrong.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


This is all B.S., everything I have written in this blog. I cannot believe I have fallen for this nonsense for the past few years. How ridiculous is it to find God in yourself while reading a novel and then forget about it once you finish the book? I think I have schizophrenia in addition to depression.


What do you really want to do with your life?
I want to be a prophet!
Ok, at least a spiritual leader or guru.
But that is not a job!?!
Ok, how about a therapist or social worker?
Do you have the training for doing so?
Well, actually I prefer spiritual leader or guru ... the money issue will resolve itself.


Sima thinks I am unstable. At times, like tonight, I can see her point and that worries me a lot. I am very afraid of the implications ... 

Saturday, February 18, 2012


And the savior is dead.
But if so, what is the point of being patient?
Because I do not know any better.


I managed to keep the calmness from last night throughout the day. Not an easy day by any means. Had a couple of very sad hours, and a lot of crying, but did not feel desperate or depressed. And moments of total bliss, too. Grew closer to a friend, which felt good as well. Life is still going on :) 


If God is within each one of us then whatever we do is right, as long as we do not force ourselves to do it, or something along these lines :)

After a very difficult evening, in fact a few difficult days, I am at peace now. Not sure why. Not sure if I care to know why.
I cannot say I am happy. I feel a bit lonely and sad in fact. Listening to old Iranian and Islamic music.
And yet, everything seem at its right place, including me. I am not worried.  I just am.
I trust that things will come my way, when I am ready, including happiness and people whom I love.
Trust feels as something solid in my core. I am not mistaking constipation for trust ...  I hope :)

Friday, June 5, 2015, 10 a.m. 

Accidentally came across this post. Accidents are good, for me, for the most part. I was talking to Sima this morning about the first sentence. Now I understand it much better, but I can see that even then, something or someone in me did understand the point.

If God is within us, then we do not have to worry about the outcome of a decision-making process, what is important is the "process" part. As long as we keep in touch with the God inside, that is, the secure and calm state of mind, the decision itself would not matter ...

Friday, February 17, 2012

Seeking Depression

I do not need to look for happiness, serenity, or peace.
I do not need love, friendship, companion, sympathy, or empathy.
I do not have to be nice, generous, loving, caring, or sincere.

All I need is to sit with my depression and let it take away everything from me, little by little, gradually.
Then, I will look at my naked self in the mirror and ask, ``what else?''
Or, even better, will look death in the eye, ``take me, you moron, whatever is left from me''.

I will laugh hard at my dead body, so hard that my guts will spill out.
I will not even need to know myself, to reach awareness, to accept myself, or anything else.
Nothing will matter anymore.

Cleansing Depression

My personal path to self-awareness runs very close to death.

هر زمان نو میشود دنیا و ما                     بی‌ خبر از نو شدن اندر بقا

پس تو را هر لحظه مرگ و رجعتی است         مصطفی فرمود دنیا ساعتی است

آزمودم مرگ من در زندگی‌ است                 چون رهی‌ زین زندگی‌ پایندگی است

تا نگردی پاک دل‌ چون جبرییل                   گر‌ چه گنجی خود نگنجی در جهان، ‌ای دسته بیل

IT'S NOT ...

.. ``It's not your spread, and it's not how strong you are, and it's not how fast you are, because you have all those thing...