Friday, January 13, 2012


One time I was desperate I talked to myself and all personalities inside me and threatened them that if they do not end their fights I will end their life altogether. That night, I had a powerful and destructive dream. When I woke up, I felt that my life is over and that the dream told me that there is no way out.

I am in a street in Tehran, close to where Sima used to live when we met. It is morning, after a heavy storm. Trees are broken and streets are full of debris. I need to pass an intersection, but the street has become a valley and a big wave of flood is approaching from far away. I start descending into the valley but I am paralyzed with fear of height. I remember the rock climbing session that I have done a couple of days ago and manage to get to the bottom and pass the valley.

The other side is in the US. We have to enter a strange store from its bottom floor. The top floor opens to the street, the other side that I wanted to get to. The store has big windows that open to the valley. People stand behind the glass and when the wave of flood comes, they can see under the water. It is a tourist place. I get to the top floor, going up a circular stair as I am watching inside the store. I am amazed.

I enter the street which reminds me of Philadelphia, the place that I did my job interviews and finally landed at my current position. It is a sunny and beautiful day. I am joyful, making funny remarks and asking people if this site is a tourist attraction.

Something calls me back inside the store. I have a bad feeling but I want to watch the flood wave when it passes. I get to the bottom and a couple of people that I know vaguely join me. We go out into a deck that is at the bottom of the valley. We do not have much time because the wave is approaching. I ask my friends to come in but they do not pay attention. I run to the door and try to enter the shop, but I have to struggle with someone.

We finally get in, two of us, and one remains outside. The wave is approaching. The door behind us is not shut well and the water starts leaking in. I am behind the large window and see the water coming up and coming in. The sky turns dark. Everyone is running in the store. The wave crushes and kills the person outside and I see his crushed body against the window. One of the shop's crews which looks like a ship, or submarine now, tries to descend the circular stair but his arm is crushed in a big revolving wheel. Blood is everywhere.

I finally get to the second floor. The wave has move the shop completely and now we are floating. But not on the street level. We are floating in the sewer system, underneath the streets of Philadelphia. Everything is dark and ugly. Water full of floating debris. We are just taken around by the water and there seems to be no hope.
The dream is my life story and my struggle with two waves of depression, one before coming to the US and one after. It does not have a hopeful message. It points to some mistakes that I have made especially after the joy of finding a new job.

If the forces within you ask you to quit, is there any point in prolonging the struggle, a hopeless one?

I did not take the dark message of the dream literally. I took it seriously and started working with my dreams to understand the destructive forces within me. In fact, I gave in to their demands. I have done strange things in the past couple of month, not harmful to myself or anyone, but strange. I though I would get to a peace with these forces or at least would start a meaningful conversation with them.

But what if I am wrong? What is there is simply too much conflict and darkness inside me? Maybe I should stay true to my initial promise ...


  1. Lotus jaan,
    It is all how one sees/perceives things.
    For me, your dream is not hopeless-each time you managed to reach next level (with a bit more effort, but nevertheless new level). Try to be kinder to yourself, try not to over-analyze and try to pride yourself more for positive things (having Sima, having job, living abroad, knowing other language, making pictures, being brave) and ignore the one that are not as perfect as you wish (we all think grass is greener on the other side of the fence, when in reality that´s not the case)...
    Hope it will get better very very soon.
    Take care of yourself!

  2. You are absolutely right, dear Aftab banoo.
    I have to practice more of what you said.
    Thanks for your kind words!

  3. Lotus, I do not know what was your inicial promise, but I think you are entering the middle-life crisis. You want to escape it being a tourist, but you can not be tourist in your own inner world.
    There were dark times in everyones life, you just need to keep going and believing in yourself.
    And the shop anfd the intersection in your dreams tell about the choice you have to make. And of course some parts of you will die, because we are growing up. Dut it is fine. Even the sky is not always blue and shiny, but life still goes on. And nature struggle to flourish in every land. It is all up to you where to give roots and start to flourish.

  4. Thanks for the interpretation and the clues, I'll keep them in mind.

    The initial promise/threat was that if the voices/forces within me do not find a way to reach peace, I will end them all ...


IT'S NOT ...

.. ``It's not your spread, and it's not how strong you are, and it's not how fast you are, because you have all those thing...