Monday, January 30, 2012

Broken Words

I can easily write:
I love you guys, this life is beautiful and wonderful and full of secrets. I love this life.
I can as easily write:
I hate you guys, this life is miserable, I am angry and hate my life and everyone around me.
What do these words mean? I do not know. When the words are not connected to something more meaningful, something within, they are broken. (This may be the ``corruption of words" that David Milch mentions here.)

The other day a friend was giving me a ride. We passed the place that I had parked my car and wanted to get off: I was not vocal, and I became agitated. Even though I felt that my friend was going to turn around and take me back to the place but I did not trust my instinct, and therefore, I did not trust my friend either. At a stop light, I got off the car angrily (I was too afraid to express my anger either!) Running back to the place (that I had parked my car) I kept blaming myself and my friend, and became more and more angry and depressed. Why? Because I did not trust myself and my friend. My actions came from fear.

The source of my depression may be a chemical imbalance. Or, it may also be the fact that I do not know myself. Because I am not connected to something inside, my words and actions are not connected to any truth, and I feel constant fear, shame and the need for approval from people around me. I cannot tell the truth because I am afraid of other people's disapproval. This fear is so deep that it has become a second nature to me. I keep apologizing for my actions and feelings, keep thanking people and begging for their love and approval. What I am missing is the source of love and approval within myself.

I keep telling my friends that I respect them, I trust them, and I love them. But are these statements anything more than lies? I am not sure. I do not know. How can I know. respect, trust, and love anyone when I do not know, respect, trust, and love myself? Moreover, if there is any truth to my statements, why do I keep repeating them?

There is some value in self expression. A feeling of freedom and exuberance and vitality comes from true self expression. At the same time, when I start saying things that I do not mean, I feel self-hatred, self-loathing, anger and depression. Maybe there are no short cuts. Maybe I have to say things and observe how I feel after until I learn who I am: By practicing self-expression. I do not know.

Sometimes, I just feel impatient, exhausted, angry and want to end this all.
And sometimes things are better.
I guess this is life ...

2013-04-10: It is so amazing to read these words that I wrote only about a year ago! How much things have changed since then. I was telling my therapist today that about six months ago, I started making decisions, occasionally, in a different way, from a place within, simply doing what "I wanted" and that changed everything. Empowered me. Made me a happier person.
I agree with my intuition then, although I am less bitter now. Words get their meaning and significance from the place they come from. If they are not connected to something inside, then they are shallow and relatively ineffective. 

2 comments:

  1. Wonderful post Lotus jaan, very honest and very strong. I hope you will start to really love yourself more (I am working hard on it myself) and I hope all will be better in your life! Just keep loving!

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  2. Thank you dear Aftab banoo, things are very tough nowadays, but hopefully they will get better :)

    ReplyDelete

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