Monday, January 30, 2012

Broken Words

I can easily write:
I love you guys, this life is beautiful and wonderful and full of secrets. I love this life.
I can as easily write:
I hate you guys, this life is miserable, I am angry and hate my life and everyone around me.
What do these words mean? I do not know. When the words are not connected to something more meaningful, something within, they are broken. (This may be the ``corruption of words" that David Milch mentions here.)

The other day a friend was giving me a ride. We passed the place that I had parked my car and wanted to get off: I was not vocal, and I became agitated. Even though I felt that my friend was going to turn around and take me back to the place but I did not trust my instinct, and therefore, I did not trust my friend either. At a stop light, I got off the car angrily (I was too afraid to express my anger either!) Running back to the place (that I had parked my car) I kept blaming myself and my friend, and became more and more angry and depressed. Why? Because I did not trust myself and my friend. My actions came from fear.

The source of my depression may be a chemical imbalance. Or, it may also be the fact that I do not know myself. Because I am not connected to something inside, my words and actions are not connected to any truth, and I feel constant fear, shame and the need for approval from people around me. I cannot tell the truth because I am afraid of other people's disapproval. This fear is so deep that it has become a second nature to me. I keep apologizing for my actions and feelings, keep thanking people and begging for their love and approval. What I am missing is the source of love and approval within myself.

I keep telling my friends that I respect them, I trust them, and I love them. But are these statements anything more than lies? I am not sure. I do not know. How can I know. respect, trust, and love anyone when I do not know, respect, trust, and love myself? Moreover, if there is any truth to my statements, why do I keep repeating them?

There is some value in self expression. A feeling of freedom and exuberance and vitality comes from true self expression. At the same time, when I start saying things that I do not mean, I feel self-hatred, self-loathing, anger and depression. Maybe there are no short cuts. Maybe I have to say things and observe how I feel after until I learn who I am: By practicing self-expression. I do not know.

Sometimes, I just feel impatient, exhausted, angry and want to end this all.
And sometimes things are better.
I guess this is life ...

2013-04-10: It is so amazing to read these words that I wrote only about a year ago! How much things have changed since then. I was telling my therapist today that about six months ago, I started making decisions, occasionally, in a different way, from a place within, simply doing what "I wanted" and that changed everything. Empowered me. Made me a happier person.
I agree with my intuition then, although I am less bitter now. Words get their meaning and significance from the place they come from. If they are not connected to something inside, then they are shallow and relatively ineffective. 


  1. Wonderful post Lotus jaan, very honest and very strong. I hope you will start to really love yourself more (I am working hard on it myself) and I hope all will be better in your life! Just keep loving!

  2. Thank you dear Aftab banoo, things are very tough nowadays, but hopefully they will get better :)


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