Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Strange Deal

I have entered a very strange deal. Why strange? First, I am not sure how I got into it. I was telling Sima, complaining really, that many of my relationships are asymmetric: There are many  whom I love and they do not care for me, and some who love me and I do not care for them as much.
Then the idea came to me that I need to stop imposing myself on the life of the first group of people (those whom I love and who do not love me back).
Second, I am not sure whom is the deal made with. I guess part of myself. I have tried to distance myself from people many times, out of self-destructive anger and spite, and always part of me would get extremely sad and angry at me, like a kid that resents his parents for not letting him do as he wishes.
Interestingly, that part has been quite patient with me this time, maybe because I promised him something in return, which brings us to the third strange aspect of this deal. Third, I do not know what is the other side of the deal, that is, what do I get back in return for not imposing myself into the life of others. I have some feeling that I get something that has been denied of me for a long time. Maybe respect or true love? I don't know. But as I said, so far I am OK.
Finally, when you give up a pleasurable activity, like being with people whom you love, you need to find a replacement. And the fourth strange aspect of the deal is the nature of this replacement activity: cleaning dead Autumn leaves.
Sima has told me for years that cleaning dead leaves is a great meditation and very pleasurable. I refused to follow her suggestions, until a couple of weeks ago. This past weekend I cleaned the whole backyard with the most primitive tool, a broom, and collected the dead leaves in ``Whole Foods'' paper bags.
Notice that sweeping leaves is not enough, collecting them and disposing them is essential. I believe the sheer pointlessness of this activity is very important. It is almost like playing a video game, but much much more meditative.

Anyway, this is my new craziness. We will see how it goes and how long I will be able to keep the deal. Good luck!

6 comments:

  1. Hi,
    Well sweeping leaves is a great idea. Still may be you should let other people love you for who you are. That is part of you accepting yourself. Sometimes I wonder why we love others, may be because they are perfect? or better than us? or demonstrate qualities we crave? It is lost on me.

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  2. Lotus jaan, very nice post. It is hard loving other people and not being loved back, but as always, it all starts with loving oneself. When you do, you do not care whether other people love you or not. This is the task I am also fighting with.
    You should love yourself MORE and you should be kind to yourself ALL the time.

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  3. Ali,

    Interesting questions to ponder, thanks for visiting and leaving comment.

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  4. Thanks Aftab Banoo jaan! I am working on it too, long process though :)

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  5. Reza

    if you promise to come here for thanksgiving break, I will not collect leaves in backyard. Then we can do the meditation together!

    Just kidding! But the invitation is valid.

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  6. Hossein Jaan,

    Mokhlesim Dar Bast :)
    I don't know if I can do it this time, but who knows ... you know me :)))

    Group meditation is always more effective than individual! :)

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