Monday, November 07, 2011

Acceptance: My New Obsession

How can I accept who I am? How do I measure up against what I dreamed to be in this age, when I was a teenager? Does it matter what I had wanted to be?
I guess I need to be more honest with myself. At the age of 41, you better be able to look in the mirror and see yourself for what you are. I am a moderately successful assistant professor of finance at an average-low research university in the US. I am told I am smart and I know that I learn fast but do not stay with what I learn long enough (swimming is the exception) to become really good at it. As you can see in the previous sentences, I am obsessed with my mediocrity in my career. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be many things, animal-scientist, football player, volleyball player, assassin, sorcerer, a mystic figure, women seducer, musician, gymnast, almost anything other than normal. I have a rather normal life now and I am unable to enjoy it. I feel that I do not have time to be good at anything anymore. The best I can do is to get in terms with who I am and live in peace for a few years.
I have loved many people who did not love me back. I have been loved by many people whom I did not love. Maybe in a few occasions the two sets intersects. That is being lucky.

*******************

I had a dream last night. I had parked my car in the parking of a building and the car had a problem, so I walked back and forth between another place and the parking,  trying to get stuff to fix my car. I noticed another car close by with a few suspicious men around it; they looked like gangsters. When I approached my car for the last time to leave the parking lot, they surrounded me and took me into a car. We drove around and their boss asked me questions to find out what I saw. I was terrified, almost in tears. At the end, he appeared convinced that I was no threat to them and I thought they would let me go. We stopped and everyone got out of the car and formed a circle around me, the boss and two other men. Then, the boss made a profane gesture implying that I could be free if I gave the three of them oral sex (blow job). I thought for 2-3 very long seconds, many images passed before my eyes. I finally knelt and said, shoot me! One of the men in the circle start firing an automatic gun and everyone except me was killed. I woke up.

My interpretation: There is something, some situation, that I have to make the right decision, do what I feel is the "right thing to do". [See my recent post on the other blog on doing the right thing, it's another recent obsession of mine: http://donotsaybenotdo.blogspot.com/2011/10/practice-doing-right-thing-fearlessness.html ] I may be really afraid and it may seem that doing the right thing get me into serious trouble, but in reality that is the only thing that will save me!

Seeing gangsters in my dream is probably related to the fact that I watched "Ghost Dog" film, maybe for the fourth or fifth time, last night:
Link on rovi: http://www.allrovi.com/movies/movie/ghost-dog-the-way-of-the-samurai-v180005

*******************

I feel there is something simple right in front of my eye, too close to be seen, that is the cause of all this. It is something that I have to accept or something that I have to do the right thing about, or both. It is the worst situation when something IS in front of your eye, and you know it, but you cannot see it!

*******************

Here is a very interesting interview on "Fresh Air". Terry Gross talks to the SNL's Darrell Hammond. Very emotional.
http://www.npr.org/2011/11/07/141990958/snls-darrell-hammond-reveals-cutting-abuse

4 comments:

  1. I think your problem is that you are a perfectionist! You are good at so many things but you only focus on things that you are not or you don’t have. You mentioned you want to be “many things, animal-scientist, football player, volleyball player, assassin, sorcerer, a mystic figure, women seducer, musician, gymnast, almost anything other than normal.”
    Are those things important at all? How about just being a nice, kind person? That is not easy thing to be. And I am not really saying you are not. I mean it is better to focus on traits rather than labels.

    I don’t think you should seek acceptance, you should find ways to be happier. Have you done any volunteering or benevolent work recently? That might help…

    I am not really good at interpreting dreams but your dream was so interesting. I felt I was reading a story. Maybe it is good idea to watch comedy time to time ;)

    I feel I am rambling ... sorry ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Daisy Jaan!
    I have been a perfectionist and I am not happy with it.
    I understand what you say at the intellectual level ... Thanks for the suggestion. I have not done any volunteer work in a long time. I need to find a place to start.

    You are fine, nice points, thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  3. So many of us have that obsession occasionally if not constantly!

    What helps me, is to stop for a second, sit back and relax, look at my life and compare it with the life of so many (trillions of people) before me and ask myself "am I causing any trouble for the evolution of the human beings". To me, if the answer is NO, I am fine!

    Now, sometimes as I think of myself, about myself, I ask "am I causing any big positive jump for the human evolution" or "what can I do to make such an impact"... and if I can come up with anything I'll try to do it. Like what Daisy said, I think spreading kindness, happiness, health, etc to the world and passing it to the next generation is a big impact...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks Shadi Jaan, I never thought of that angle ... I am sure I am not causing any problem in that scale, so I should be fine too! :)

    ReplyDelete

Clear Shallow Water

I started reading this novel, `` The Driver ,'' by Hart Hanson , and I did not like it much and decided to stop. But then I came ba...