Thursday, May 26, 2011

While you were gone!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I just panicked :) 
I realized that my best friend, Sima, has left me (for a few weeks) and all people around me are just shadows, they don't know me or care about me, and I felt completely empty! 
Sunday, May 14, 2011 (afternoon)

Today the weather is cool, around 70, and there is a very pleasant breeze too. That reminded me of you, and that you always say make a wish when there is a breeze in the air :)

So I wish you the best my love, I wish you a lot of health, money, success, and a free soul. I am sure that you will obtain anything you put your mind and effort into.

Sunday, May 14, 2011 (before midnight)
I was sad and I cried
until moon came close
embraced me
and listened to my story
but she could not heal me

So I cried and moaned
until wind, blowing among trees,
stopped by me
and listened to my story
but he could took my pain away

I sobbed harder
and my heart melted into my tears
and in my blood
I painted your body

Sleep came over me
and your figure came to life
caressed me
and listened to my story
but my heart had already melted away

And the next morning, I started my journey

Wednesday, May 18, 2011 (morning)
The small Japanese tea cup that my dad brought from Japan thirty something years ago broke today. I called dad immediately and everyone was fine

Thursday, May 19, 2011 (morning)
Could not sleep last night, had bad dreams that continued even after I woke up in the middle of the night. Don't remember them, but when I woke up in the middle of the night, I saw the image of a young girl that was sexually tortured and raped by a man, and I was not sure whether I was the girl or the man.

Saturday, May 21, 2011 (afternoon)
What if all our acts are taking place on a stage with -NO- audience? What if we feel, and TRULY accept, that -NO ONE- is out there, watching us? Would we continue the act and the drama anymore?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011 (afternoon)
Worked from home today.
We have a small pool in the backyard. Water is clear and the reflection of sun off the surface paints beautiful waives of light on the pool floor.
It is amazing, especially when you swim under the water: I felt as if heaven was spread in front of me ...
Then, I realized that we all have pieces of heaven in our backyards, if we can stop, see, and appreciate them!
Thursday, May 26, 2011 (noon)
They say, change your mind and everything around you will change.
Let me tell you, this "mind change" takes a long time, endless practice, constant reflection, and painful soul searching ... not so easy as it sounds!
When that moment arrived
there was no thunder
Neither a lightning, nor a storm

She approached me
just as an ordinary moment
and knelt beside me

I would not notice her
if it was not
for her careless touch
on my shoulder

Friday, May 27, 2011 (noon)
The last piece of a puzzle, the solution to a confusion, that has haunted me and caused me pain for a year now.

You see, "liking" and "friendship" are different. The former can spark in a brief encounter. The latter is a long process, a practice, of "trust" growing between friends. No matter how much I like you, or how deep of a connection I feel with you, there is little I can do to speed up this process.
Ten years from now, if we still know each other, we may have a deeper trust and a more meaningful friendship.

Monday, May 30, 2011 (afternoon)

Sima missed her flight on Sunday, she will arrive tomorrow.

``Conscious mind'' appears to be very smart, looks at things and figure them out. ``Body" seems quite dumb in comparison, has to repeat things over and over to learn. ``Mind" forget things easy. You do same mistakes over and over. You think you have learned your lesson, and yet .... ``Body'' has long term memory, once something becomes habit, it is difficult to change it. 
So you look at a diagram for a movement, say forehand shot in tennis, and your  ``mind" thinks he has learned it. Your ``body'' perfects the shot after thousands of repetitions, but once she learns, she never forgets.
The basics of changing life is to learn new habits with body. Not only physical skills, but how to deal with emotions, situations, decisions, etc. Not understanding this has been a source of pain, confusion, and disappointment for me. 

My mind has been chattering fast since yesterday and specially today because I have not slept well for a couple of days. I just came up with a new meditation technique by infusing techniques from Kyudo into my swimming. Each lap I focused my attention on a small part of my body ( a muscle or a joint). It not only improved my swimming but helped me calm down my mind :) 


Looking into your eyes
I recalled who I was before
and I asked,
what more do you  want me to do?
Turning away to leave
your eyes closed for a moment
and then I knew
what is left to do


  1. I LOVED your poem of May 14... very delicate.

    and then I so much related to your feelings especially for the Japanese cup! Maybe because I think of my dad a lot these days!

    kept reading until today... "mind changing"... hmm... I am (maybe was) one of the people who suggest(ed) this to everyone. But now that I need to do it, I can't! You made me think about it more.

    Nice job of summarizing your past few weeks. Just writing is easy. Summarizing is hard.

  2. Nice to have you back...
    loved all of your notes and enjoyed Japanese cup very much- goo everyone at home is doing well...
    Looking forward for more posts...

  3. Thanks much Shadi jaan!
    I think, "mind follows body", so I like to start with practice, the intellectual part comes much later to me :)

  4. Thanks Aftab banoo!
    It is interesting that the "Japanese" cup was interesting to both you and Shadi.

  5. Lotus jaan, I just realized that I did not congratulate you for your birthday. so, Tavalodet Mobarak! many happy returns of the day! let this year bring you peace of mind, mega success in everything you do, wonderful friendships, great journeys and lots, lots of love

  6. Aftab Banoo jaan,
    That is very kind of you. Thanks for all your wishes, I definitely need them :)


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