Thursday, May 26, 2011

While you were gone!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I just panicked :) 
I realized that my best friend, Sima, has left me (for a few weeks) and all people around me are just shadows, they don't know me or care about me, and I felt completely empty! 
Sunday, May 14, 2011 (afternoon)

Today the weather is cool, around 70, and there is a very pleasant breeze too. That reminded me of you, and that you always say make a wish when there is a breeze in the air :)

So I wish you the best my love, I wish you a lot of health, money, success, and a free soul. I am sure that you will obtain anything you put your mind and effort into.

Sunday, May 14, 2011 (before midnight)
I was sad and I cried
until moon came close
embraced me
and listened to my story
but she could not heal me

So I cried and moaned
until wind, blowing among trees,
stopped by me
and listened to my story
but he could took my pain away

I sobbed harder
and my heart melted into my tears
and in my blood
I painted your body

Sleep came over me
and your figure came to life
caressed me
and listened to my story
but my heart had already melted away

And the next morning, I started my journey

Wednesday, May 18, 2011 (morning)
The small Japanese tea cup that my dad brought from Japan thirty something years ago broke today. I called dad immediately and everyone was fine

Thursday, May 19, 2011 (morning)
Could not sleep last night, had bad dreams that continued even after I woke up in the middle of the night. Don't remember them, but when I woke up in the middle of the night, I saw the image of a young girl that was sexually tortured and raped by a man, and I was not sure whether I was the girl or the man.

Saturday, May 21, 2011 (afternoon)
What if all our acts are taking place on a stage with -NO- audience? What if we feel, and TRULY accept, that -NO ONE- is out there, watching us? Would we continue the act and the drama anymore?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011 (afternoon)
Worked from home today.
We have a small pool in the backyard. Water is clear and the reflection of sun off the surface paints beautiful waives of light on the pool floor.
It is amazing, especially when you swim under the water: I felt as if heaven was spread in front of me ...
Then, I realized that we all have pieces of heaven in our backyards, if we can stop, see, and appreciate them!
Thursday, May 26, 2011 (noon)
They say, change your mind and everything around you will change.
Let me tell you, this "mind change" takes a long time, endless practice, constant reflection, and painful soul searching ... not so easy as it sounds!
When that moment arrived
there was no thunder
Neither a lightning, nor a storm

She approached me
just as an ordinary moment
and knelt beside me

I would not notice her
if it was not
for her careless touch
on my shoulder

Friday, May 27, 2011 (noon)
The last piece of a puzzle, the solution to a confusion, that has haunted me and caused me pain for a year now.

You see, "liking" and "friendship" are different. The former can spark in a brief encounter. The latter is a long process, a practice, of "trust" growing between friends. No matter how much I like you, or how deep of a connection I feel with you, there is little I can do to speed up this process.
Ten years from now, if we still know each other, we may have a deeper trust and a more meaningful friendship.

Monday, May 30, 2011 (afternoon)

Sima missed her flight on Sunday, she will arrive tomorrow.

``Conscious mind'' appears to be very smart, looks at things and figure them out. ``Body" seems quite dumb in comparison, has to repeat things over and over to learn. ``Mind" forget things easy. You do same mistakes over and over. You think you have learned your lesson, and yet .... ``Body'' has long term memory, once something becomes habit, it is difficult to change it. 
So you look at a diagram for a movement, say forehand shot in tennis, and your  ``mind" thinks he has learned it. Your ``body'' perfects the shot after thousands of repetitions, but once she learns, she never forgets.
The basics of changing life is to learn new habits with body. Not only physical skills, but how to deal with emotions, situations, decisions, etc. Not understanding this has been a source of pain, confusion, and disappointment for me. 

My mind has been chattering fast since yesterday and specially today because I have not slept well for a couple of days. I just came up with a new meditation technique by infusing techniques from Kyudo into my swimming. Each lap I focused my attention on a small part of my body ( a muscle or a joint). It not only improved my swimming but helped me calm down my mind :) 


Looking into your eyes
I recalled who I was before
and I asked,
what more do you  want me to do?
Turning away to leave
your eyes closed for a moment
and then I knew
what is left to do

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Light as a feather, I
was carried away
by the reflection of morning sun
off those leaves
soaked in morning dew

And I found you ...

****************** ORIGINAL ***************
The reflection of morning sun
off those leaves,
soaked in morning dew
carried me away

And I found you ...


Thankfulness, and praying, are performance arts, you need to practice them way before worrying about the audience :)

Monday, May 09, 2011

Rain of Love

Sima went for a visit back home last Wednesday. I was nervous and hyperactive a few days before and after her departure. Meanwhile, I felt two things. They are not exactly new to me but I had not felt them before (I had thought about them at the intellectual level).
  • Sima is my best friend.
  • I have to re-discover my close friends, people whom I have known for up to 40 years (my sister:) Part of my recent anguish was caused by mixing up my friends and expectations. The trust and love that I was seeking from my newer friends, ultimately put undue burden on our friendships and caused pain.
Here is a short essay (in Farsi), "Music of Rain of Love,"that a dear long-time friend has written about love.

ترنم باران عشق

by Ahmad Shahidzadeh Mahani on Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 1:28am
« به صحرا شدم ، عشق باریده بود و زمین تر شده، چنانکه پای مرد به گِلزار فرو شود، پای من به عشق فروشد »
(بایزید بسطامی)
برای درک این کلام فراانسانی مولانا بایزید بسطامی به صحراها رفتم تا ببینم عشق چگونه بر آنها می بارد. وقتی که در میان صحراها می گذشتم، عشق را دیدم که در طبیعت جاری بود؛ عشق را در گلهای شکوفا شده صحرایی ، در روباهی که پشت تخته سنگی پنهان می شد و در پرنده ای که در بلندای آسمان پرواز می کرد در برابرم مجسم دیدم و دریافتم که عشق همیشه در طبیعت جریان دارد و کافی است که خود را در مسیر آن قرار دهم تا آن را احساس کنم. هنگام بازگشت به جامعه انسانی، دیدم که انسان ها هم با عشق به زندگی، همسر، خانواده ؛ و تعلقات مادی و غیرمادی خود ادامه حیات می دهند؛ پس اندیشیدم و احساس کردم که عشق در انسان ها نیز جریان دارد و گرمای عشق به انسان ها حرارت می دهد، هر چند که ایشان آن را احساس نکنند. و حتا اگر این عشق، زمینی و مادی باشد، باز هم عشق است که جریان دارد و گرما بخش است و ستودنی.
روزی از روزهای گرم تابستان در ازدحام طاقت فرسای وسایل نقلیه در شهر دود و آهن گرفتار شده بودم؛ آهسته پیش می رفتم و عذاب می کشیدم. ناگهان به ذهنم متبادر شد مردمی که اینگونه گرفتار شده اند و آهسته به پیش می روند، بخشی از همان جامعه انسانی سرشار از عشق هستند. پس این ازدحام توسط همان توده های عشق ایجاد شده که به سویی حرکت می کنند و این پذیرفتن شلوغی و ازدحام را برایم ساده تر کرد و رنج و عذاب ناشی از آن را کاست. با انبوه عشق روان شدم، از گرمای عشقی که در اطرافم جریان داشت لذت بردم و از انفاس مولانا بایزید بهره مند شدم. از آن به بعد تمامی انسان ها را همواره به مثابه تجسم عشق می بینم، به ایشان عشق می ورزم و به روح پر فتوح بایزید بسطامی درود فراوان می فرستم.

دکتر احمد شهیدزاده ماهانی

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Streets and Signs

As you pass through life
you reach inevitable stops

If you have a path
and patience
to wait for your green light
you will succeed

When you are wondering
you can follow the signs
into a random path
into unpreditable

Then you,
determined and impatient
one day
you will be run over
by someone
just like yourself!

Monday, May 02, 2011


"True," don Juan said. "You don't like yourself at all." He cackled and told me that he had been "seeing" while I talked. His recommendation was that I should not have remorse for anything I had done, because to isolate one's acts as being mean, or ugly, or evil was to place an unwarranted importance on the self.


In a dramatic tone don Juan stated that well-being was a conditions one had to groom, a condition one had to become acquainted with in order to seek it.
"You don't know what well-being is because you have never experienced it," he said.
I disagreed with him. But he continued arguing that well-being was an achievement one had to deliberately seek. He said that the only thing I knew how to seek was a sense of disorientation, ill-being, and confusion.
--- Journay to Ixtlan, p. 183

Sunday, May 01, 2011


I found out, a few seconds ago, that when I work, deep down, I do it for someone else (an external observer?) and I expect a reward for doing the work. This is. probably, the residual feeling from my childhood when I studied and did my homework to keep my parents happy.

IT'S NOT ...

.. ``It's not your spread, and it's not how strong you are, and it's not how fast you are, because you have all those thing...