Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Sea of Mortality: بحر فنا

It should be obvious that I do -NOT- "believe" most of what I wrote in the previous post, otherwise I would have a much happier life :)

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Yesterday, I listened many times to the clip I posted a few days ago (link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUqHAWQGX8k). I love the first line of the poem (by Hafez):

دولت آنست که بی خون دل آید به کنار
ور نه با سعی و عمل حور و جنان اینهمه نیست

Luck with a tortured heart is not Fortune     
Garden of Eden with hardship is not much

But I was constantly singing the second line, almost unconsciously:


بر لب بحر فنا منتظریم ای ساقی
فرصتی دان که ز لب تا به دهان اینهمه نیست

At the shores of the sea of death, we are waiting impatiently
Grasp the moment, between the lips and the mouth is not much

When I got home I realized that this line is exactly what I felt yesterday. I had sense of being close to (spiritual) death and was waiting for a sign, something to tell me that all I am doing is not just craziness!
This realization made me calm. The feeling that Hafez, one of the greatest poets, at some point had the same feeling was comforting.

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I did not see any sign last night. When a tornado/strong storm hit Atlanta last night I went out and watched the storm, thinking that such a magnificent display of natural forces is ideal setup for a sign :) But nothing happened!

Today in the morning, when I parked my car in the university's parking space, in a totally ordinary moment I sensed it: I felt a coldness in part of my soul and sensed that something died in me. I immediately remembered another related experience on last year's Christmas day  (that I described in a poem titled, peace and void, link: http://myimpossibilitytheorems.blogspot.com/2010/12/peace-and-void.html).
In the afternoon, as a couple of our guests were talking, I sensed something broke in my soul. Today, that part died, and I immediately felt a relief and a sense of lightness!

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Today, after a while, I got back some sense of power and Fortune back. Made good decisions and thing had a good flow. On my was back home, driving on a highway, I was looking at the city lights along the highway and the scene brought, for a moment, brought an amazing sense of joy and love.

I know that days like yesterday will happen again, miserable, depressed, angry, and hopeless days. But today I felt that it is OK!

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A short TED talk:


http://www.ted.com/talks/mark_bezos_a_life_lesson_from_a_volunteer_firefighter.html

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