Monday, April 04, 2011

Neil Pasricha: The 3 A's of awesome 

http://www.ted.com/talks/neil_pasricha_the_3_a_s_of_awesome.html

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Every now and then, like today, I realize that my life does not have any fucking authenticity (excuse the language, but that is how I feel now) ... I am playing roles for everyone, including myself ... it is not only sad, but hopeless ...

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I am extremely angry, even though I did my best to avoid this situation. I went for 15-20 minutes meditative walks a few times between the work sessions, but my rage and disgust with myself is getting out of control!

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This day will also pass, tomorrow will be either better or worse, but will be past too, that is how this pointless, idiotic life will continue for a while until a fortunate event ends the torture ...

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I do not want to make any promises anymore, should accept that I had lost the battle before it even started by being born to a  depressed, schizophrenic family ...

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It is very easy to talk about detachment and letting go, or acceptance, but when do I need such things? Clearly, when I am depressed and under stress, and yet, I can barely let go or accept who I am when I am in my best mood ... how is it even possible to do them when I most need them, like now?
This is a joke, I have wasted most of my life on a stupid joke that is not even funny!

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Tasks are -not- completed around me, especially research and papers, even with the presence of a real treat, it is really scary!

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Work day, after 12 hours in the office doing stupid job of preparing for a PhD seminar, is over.
My final thought: There is nothing out there: energy, personal power, inner calmness, are all human's imagination ... there is only randomness: you cannot make randomness like you, hate you, or even notice you ... As a famous (Persian) saying goes, this life is nothing woven into nothing!

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