Friday, March 04, 2011

Time

Yesterday, Sima told me that to make the tenure deadline I need to work faster and harder. On top of that, the spring break is over and I have to prepare for courses next week. Deadlines make me nervous and increase my anxiety.

Morning was anxious and nervous. Worked with a co-author at a coffee shop and then with another in my office. Things were alright while working, but then situation got worse When I left office, however, I was feeling free and happy :)

On my way back home, I decided to buy cigarettes, but at the last moment, I changed my mind. I feel that there are more than one individuals inside me and they have serious issues between themselves :P

At home, we were discussing plans for tonight (King's speech, Fernbank Martini night, or Japanese film festival?)  when my nervousness and anxiety grew into frustration and anger. I do not know what happened, but for a while I could not do anything, could not make any decisions. It feels hopeless when I see that, so easily and without a clear reason, I can reach such extreme states-- it is absurd and sad. I feel that I want to leave everything and go somewhere that no one knows me.

Finally, I left home to do some errands and buy cigarettes too. After a few minutes I was feeling better and I ended up at the coffee shop talking to a friend after a few weeks of not seeing her.

Back home, my mood started to get worse. I finally decided to stay home and we watched TV, a comedy. I laughed a lot watching the movie and felt much better. While watching movie, for a while I completely forgot time and location, and even during commercials as I talked to Sima I felt as if I am still in the movie and our conversations are taking place there! a bit scary.

Once the movie was over, I kept changing channels and watched a couple of other movies simultaneously. Now, after midnight, I feel disgusted. A voice inside me telling, "You are irresponsible and cannot control yourself in simplest situations! How can you talk about "walking the path" when you cannot resist temptations to sit in front of TV? You are pathetic."

What a bumpy ride was today. Let's see what tomorrow will bring :)

2012-12-19, Wednesday, 4:00 p.m. It is very interesting to read these old posts. Not too long ago, in fact less than two years ago, I would go through such difficult days without having any idea about what was happening to me. Now, however, I feel a change. Such mood changes happen less frequently, even though I am not on medication for more than one year and have not smoked in more than 3 months, and when they happen I feel more in control because I have an idea of how/why they happen. 

4 comments:

  1. I wish I could make you feel better.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Taraaneh Jaan, Hopefully something good will come out of all these experiences :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. When I read this post, I felt as if it's me talking!
    Thanks 4 sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks Miranda for reading and leaving comment :)

    ReplyDelete

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