Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Spiral

Have started a downward spiral since Saturday night. Yesterday evening, I was extremely sad. Last night, I lost my concentration and focus and a feeling that something bad is going to happen developed and continued throughout the night even when I was sleeping. This morning, while smoking outside, I had a feeling that my soul is dissolving into the space around me.

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Noon: After writing the above, and finishing one of my classes today--the hard one, I am feeling better now. Just have to get prepared for the next one!

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Night: I missed (slept) the Kyudo practice so I worked at home for a while. A few minutes ago, I was considering whether to go for swimming. Thought for a few minutes and then realized that "could not make such a simple decision", and started to get angry at myself for my indecisiveness. This is quite normal for me.
Then, I clearly saw that I will feel much better if I go to swim. But as soon as I started preparing to leave, something inside me got really upset and decided that I cannot go. It was clear to me that this part wanted me to feel bad and become depressed. Yet, I feel that I have to follow what she tells me.
The point of this silly example: Who is this voice? [Maybe my parents' voice?!] Why is she wanting me to suffer? Why to I listen to her at all?

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Finally, I stayed home and read a few pages from a random point of the "Journey to Ixtlan". Here is a passage that I found very interesting in light of my current experiences:

... I told Don Juan that my insistence on finding explanations was not something that I had arbitrarily devised myself, just to be difficult, but was something so deeply ingrained in me that it overruled every other consideration.
"It is like a disease," I said.
"There are no diseases," Don Juan replied calmly. "There is only indulging. And you indulge yourself in trying to explain everything. Explanations are no longer necessary in your case."
.....
"You are very clever," he finally said. "You go back to where you have always been. This time you are finished though. ... I will not explain anything to you any more. Whatever Genaro did to you yesterday he did it to your body, so let your body decide what's what."
Don Juan's tone was friendly but unusually detached and that made me feel an overwhelming loneliness. I expressed my feelings of sadness. He smiled. His fingers gently clasped the top of my hand.
"We both are beings who are going to die." he said softly. "There is no more time for what you used to do. Now you must employ all the non-doing I have taught you and stop the world." Journey to Ixtlan, pp. 246-247

For the first time in a long time, I felt that I have a faint understanding of detachment and letting go, and that I must let go of friends I have lost, because we all have limited time, and we ultimately have to fight our own battles, alone.

5 comments:

  1. I do hope you feel better. This shall pass too.

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  2. Lotus jaan,
    as smart Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said: “Progress has not followed a straight ascending line, but a spiral with rhythms of progress and retrogression, of evolution and dissolution.”
    just think positive and keep fighting! and I also hope you feel much much better now!

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  3. Daisy and Aftab banoo Jaan,
    You are absolutely correct, I am already feeling better. It may be the magic of writing :)))

    Thanks much for your kind words!

    ReplyDelete
  4. همه چی‌ زمان میبره...خیلی‌ زود بهتر میشی‌...شاید هم بهتر هستی‌ الان. موج بعدی هم از راه می‌رسه و آدم دوباره در خودش فرو میره بدون اینکه بتونه کاری بکنه. فقط باید به معجزه زمان ایمان داشت.

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  5. Hasti Jaan,
    I was much better yesterday, my mood cycles are relatively fast :)
    You are right, thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete

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