Morning was ok. Breakfast. Haircut. Talk to parents. While talking with them I realized that I was not "there", an empty box was talking to them, and I sensed how their happiness disappeared into sadness. I knew how they felt, they have done it to me many times, when I called them happy and full of energy, but they were so distant that I became frustrated and angry from the disconnect.
What do I feel now? I have a few hours before our plans for the afternoon, evening and night starts. I do not know what I would like to do with these hours. I sense how fast time, my life, is passing by and I feel that I do not enjoy the moments at all. I almost feel a sickness in my stomach, just want to throw up my life, and get done with this stupid game of nothing interweave with nothing. I am jealous of everyone who feels simple happiness and joy in living. Those who feel the wonderfulness of moments.
Sima convinced me to leave home and run a few errands. On our way, I found a new coffee house and we tried the place. There I was able to focus on what Sima were saying and came back to present. I realized then that I did not "feel" anything: I was, and am, emotionally numb! I have not cried in the past week or two. Why?
Two things happened in the past few weeks that coincided with this emotional numbness and disconnect. First, two weeks ago in a strange sequence of events, I stopped taking depression medications for 24 hours. During the days, I felt pure emotions, was happy and energetic, and had very fast mood swings. The second nights, thing got scary. I felt something coming out of my hands and feet and I became paranoid: could see myself in a mental institute! So I started medications again, but things have been very rough since then.
Second, I distanced myself from a female friend because for a while I had felt that I was hurt in that relationship. In order to do that, however, I had to suppress my feelings for her and make myself numb to them. Could it be that the numbness has spread to all my emotions and feelings? Sima has been telling me that what I am doing is wrong because I am hurting myself much more than before. Yet, she also sees my point in distancing myself. Moreover, Sima believes that my general condition is generally caused by the surge in my depression and the relationship is not a main factor.
Went to see a friend for body work/massage therapy. He thinks that I have a case of "unrequited love" + "grievance" (in the above relationship) and I can simply acknowledge them and the pain they cause and let my self heal over time.
We did not go to a talk by an Indian guru/yogi. Another case of mu inside conflicts. But now I feel OK. Next item is Persian dinner party at a friend's :)
We had a good time at the party. Dancing for 3-4 hours. Some drinking. And, I learned something new about myself, but I need time to articulate it.
Azarbayjani music, father has a heavenly voice, especially the part in the beginning (Avaz):
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