Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Loneliness, Love, Niceness, and Guilt

Last night, I had a difficult time sleeping, hours of anger, and frustration. I felt that I had run out of options.  Suddenly,  I decided:
I have to fight the fight, alone. I have to trust and love myself and keep fighting. There is no one to rely on, because ultimately we are alone in our struggles. I should not hate anyone for this situation, specially myself. Because I am my last and only refuge. 
This evolved into a deeper "knowledge" of our loneliness. It seems that at some level, in making decisions and facing consequences, we are totally alone. We have to fight our main fights in life alone.

During the last few weeks, I have gained a much deeper understanding of love and connectedness. Love is an important source of our vital energy in life. It is the opposite side of loneliness. The two of them make each other meaningful. When you love someone, and you cannot be with him/her, then the mere presence makes your life meaningful, make you want to dance in euphoria. It is amazing!

Yet, love is a dangerous affair. Developing true love, reciprocal love, requires trust, and hence, time and patience. One danger is in jumping into love out of desperation. We cannot force our love on others, through niceness, caring, or sacrifices for example. This threatens the other side and make him/her pull back. Here, "being nice and caring" or "doing sacrifices" would become strategies to win the other side. "Love" turns into a desire to "control". We forget about the "loneliness" aspect and try to cure difficulties of our lives by immersing our selves into our beloved ones. We forget that we have to fight alone!
An ultimate case of forcing "love" is when it is unilateral, the unrequited love. It inflicts amazing pain on our selves: It is said that the pain is comparable to losing a child!

Finally, extreme niceness, caring, and sacrifice often evoke feeling of guilt in the object. When we try to use niceness, consciously or else, to control someone, we force that someone to react fiercely in order to protect his/her identity. Yet, typically that someone also understands the pain that his/her actions causes us, a potential source for feeling guilty. "Guilt" is an amazing force in us, it is a tool to correct our behavior. But many times it becomes a major source of psychological disorders.

Very simply, I have realized that there must be a balance between "individuality" (loneliness) and "connection" (love), good job   :P


``Chance, good luck, personal power, or whatever you may call it, is a peculiar state of affairs, It is like a very small stick that comes out in front of us and invites us to plunk it. Usually we are too busy, or too preoccupied, or just too stupid and lazy to realize that that is our cubic centimeter of luck. A warrior, on the other hand, is always alert and tight and has the spring, the gumption necessary to grab it." Journey to Ixtlan, p. 234


These two, especially the dad, have very beautiful and powerful voices. On top of that, they are full of energy. This is a more traditional Azarbaijani song:


Hotei Finger- From


  1. I had to visit and read it again and I am sure it won't be the last time. This is by far the most profound piece you have written (at least for me). I am in the start of a new relationship (I think... if I can call it a relationship) and I want to do it right this time. and I also know that I have to start with myself. I thought where you said “We have to fight our main fights in life alone.” was like a light bulb going on my head.

  2. Daisy Jaan, if you want to focus on one thing at a time, then I would say focus on "patience" and let things to develop on their own pace.
    Good luck and best wishes :)

  3. Lotus jaan, as always, beautiful and with lots of things to think over.
    I agree with you on loneliness and love points. I disagree with your niceness point. Why should one try to use niceness, consciously or else, to control someone?? (or I just misunderstood your point?). I think one should be nice to others no matter whether we want something or not from those people...and guilt...oh my guilt driven person, I could tell you stories...Guilt is maybe my biggest enemy...
    I wish you to fight the fight brave and with lot of success... I know the match will be hard and long one...

  4. Aftab banoo jaan :)
    I did not mean that "people should use niceness to control".
    I think many people actually use it this way. The easiest example is when parents become more kind to a kid to make him/her do what they want :)
    If you are observant, you will find some ways to tell whether a person is using niceness to control: They become over-sensitive to the reaction of the object to their act of kindness and somehow show their wish for the object to do something in return, for example.

    Do I make sense?

    Thanks a lot for your kind words, and hope things are better with you too.
    Take care

  5. A comment I got:

    Don't know why, but your post made me think of this post:

  6. Another comment:

    Popped up this morning.
    I love that title!!!
    Start Where You Are.
    Where else can one start?
    But nearly everyone wants to "Start", when............
    And after your email, it's obvious you already started where you were and are moving along a Discovery Lane.
    Keeping seeking, something is going to happen, and you will open a new treasure.

    September 8, 2011
    There’s a reason that you can learn from everything: you have basic wisdom, basic intelligence, and basic goodness. Therefore, if the environment is supportive and encourages you to be brave and to open your heart and mind, you’ll find yourself opening to the wisdom and compassion that’s inherently there. It’s like tapping into your source, tapping into what you already have. It’s the willingness to open your eyes, your heart, and your mind, to allow situations in your life to become your teacher.


Unknown, Unknowable, and Eyes

First Quote: ... unknown as something that is veiled from man, shrouded perhaps by a terrifying context, but which, nonetheless, is withi...