Then I went for last smoke of the day. I first started thinking about my career and what I should do, etc. But somehow, somewhere in the process, my mind became very calm and I started seeing things better. I looked back at what I have accomplished the past few years, in terms of improving my relationships. I have been able to initiate new meaningful relationships, and deepen my old friendships, with men. I had not had meaningful relationships with females, and I found out that I needed that too. I was not quite as successful on that front. I increased my female acquaintances in number, but most of the time not in depth. Moreover, in some cases, I ended up getting hurt: The more trust you put in any relationship, the more vulnerable you are to misunderstandings and other sources of conflict.
Fortunately, I had the courage to share all this with Sima, and she is an amazingly patient and wise person. With her abundant help, I am getting through these bumps.
There are two reasons for problems in my relationships with females. First, I am not clear about what I want from the relationship, simply because I have not had many of them before. Is this mostly sexual? or romantic? or a simple friendship? Is this a midlife crisis and a try to change things and add excitement? or is it something deeper, more meaningful? I suspect that women sense this confusion and respond to it by not trusting.
Second, in a couple of cases that the relationship evolved rather naturally, my depression and constant worrying made me cling to the relationship [see "Inaccessible" post too] and show obsessive behavior. Well, this is a sad and embarrassing story, I was hurt bad, and thanks to Sima I am finding my way and hopefully able to move on.
This morning I woke up really energized, because I was planning to write this post and then start working. First good morning in a while :)
I have a forehead which declines forward. I still remember that in the middle school, once a teacher told us that people with froward declining foreheads are like chimps, low in intelligence or even retarded!
At lunch, Sima said that she likes what I wrote above-- she thinks it is honest and courageous :) After lunch, we slept for half an hour in the backyard under the sun ... delicious weather :) I told Sima let's pretend we are lying on sands at a beach. It is almost three years since we went to Northern beaches of Khazar in Iran! I could evoked that feeling of deep relaxation that you get in a good vacation.
A random quote from Journey to Ixtlan that I found today:
"For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable. ... you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for a short while ...
There are some people who are very careful about nature of their acts. Their happiness is to act with the full knowledge that they don't have time; therefore, their acts have a peculiar power." pp. 81, 83
Kyudo was fun. I worked on keeping the rhythm of breathing and hence the shooting. Good challenge keeps me focused and happy :)
Today was very good overall. Yesterday, I decided to stay home and despite many events that enticed me to go to office, I did not change my decision. I am very happy for that.