Monday, February 28, 2011

Broken up!

Today was awful. Woke up around 6 but was so depressed and out of energy that had to sleet again. Good thing that it is Spring break! :) Went to office around 10 and worked a few hours. Office is more awful. Talk to "O.K." briefly, the only friend that I can talk to these days.

Have been depressed for the past couple of days. In the peak of depression, nothing works. Words and insights, specially, become dead leaves that are moved easily by the heavy winds of depression. Practices help, but only if they have become strong habits. Habits are important in dealing with these situations: Teach your kids a sport or  an art, just in case! :)

Went to the coffee shop, in the afternoon, to meet a coauthor and work. The young girl "J" was nervous and angry. She is usually upbeat and nice. Asked her. Her boyfriend broke up with her after two years. I guess it is better to experience these in young age than ...  whatever :)

Evenings and nights are specially bad. With help from Moorch, I was able to get through tonight without major problems. Tomorrow will be a new day :)


I need to call H.
and remind him
of our holding hands
on the way back from school
and the love
that burnt us slowly
I need to find his number
before those memories
die, forever

Thursday, February 24, 2011

24 hours

(1)  Last night, after I wrote the previous post, I got very angry and frustrated: what was I thinking writing about "Persian mysticism", talking about Molavi and Hafez, and what these amazing talents have to do with my depressed everyday life?

(2)  I woke up this morning depleted. Did not want to move. Hardly got myself to shower, thinking: What has happened to me in the past three years? I started practicing moderation+mindfulness and at about the same time found a good doctor and right medications. So for a while I was VERY happy. However black and scary depression is, the other side of it, mania is seductive and bright. And I gave in to mania and lost moderation in incorporating new practices. Changed many things at the same time: how I worked, how I socialized, opened up myself to new relationships, and tried to REDUCE my medications. Made bad decisions, including an important decision of not going on a sabbatical, which is ending my career now, just because I "FELT" so. So, now I am back into depression, and it is all my own fault.

(3)  So, a very rough morning, but I got better during the day. But the peak was when I went to Kyudo. My second class after more than three weeks of absence. The first class on Tuesday did not work at all. This evening, things went smoother and smoother. Then sensei told us a story of a Japanese Master telling him that "Hanare  pee-pee", translation: release of the arrow is similar to peeing! translation: the same muscles that work when you pee should work when you release an arrow (not your fingers or hand or arm muscles!!! ) I then realized how relaxed one must be at the time of release so that one could do the release with the core muscles. So AMAZING!

(4)  Now, I feel quite well. I think Zen practices are fine. I have made right decisions, and I am on the right track to self realization! That I can incorporate elements of Persian mysticism into my life, but very slowly and patiently :)

So welcome to a day in my life ... and enjoy :P

*    Sima liked (2) very much, I mean my thoughts then, almost as if she was expecting me to reach this vision :)
**   I think most of the views in the previous post and this, even though apparently contrary, are complementary and the reality is a combination of them. I need to converge them into a coherent/consistent vision, or in other words, reach my wholeness :))))


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Is It The Time?

These days I feel that I am done with Zen practices after so many years of admiration/fantasizing (and a few years of practice :). It just seem heartless and dry compared to Persian tradition of mysticism. I am enjoying more and more the idea of "love, separation, and longing". As "Molavi Rumi" says, "Whoever lost touch with his truth, he will seek the time of return, forever".
There are many difficulties to change path though. I have lost touch with some basics of the Persian mysticism. For now I am trying to follow "Hafez" advice to stay patient. This may be just a transitory phase inspired by the surge in my depression and my recent frustrations :)


Friday, Feb 25, 2011:
Accidentally, I found this talk about "compassion" on TED. I feel that it is related to what I wrote above:

Human Planet

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Sunday morning
Downtown Atlanta
Empty streets
Hesitant steps
Expressionless windows

Does anyone see
what I am carrying around?

Saturday, February 19, 2011


To everyone who has helped me walk this path, including my self: I love you and thank you!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Yesterday morning,
around 11,
I was writing,
behind my office computer.

When in the middle of a sentence,
a dream started,
that last less than a second.
And someone hit my shoulder
quite gently,
yet enough to startle me.

I looked around,
no one was touching me.
My research assistant,
was staring at me,
with amusement and surprise.
 and I just said,
``that was strange,
really strange.''



Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tao of Crane and Turtle

She, resting on one leg
watching him

He, lying on grass
could be dead

Breeze, waiving water
bamboos and canes

They, doing nothing
hours and days

Wednesday, February 02, 2011


How can we take things, specially ourselves, less seriously?
"The key is a strong believe in something beyond yourself, whatever you call it, so that in times of stress, anger, and desperation you keep your calm and be confident that things will turn around."
Aftab banoo:
I ask myself the same thing over and over again! If you will ever find answer, please let me know!
"This is my approach (sort of, I mean I try...):
1- if you review the events that happened in the past, you can acknowledge that they were not as important and serious as you thought. This will be true for the stuff that are happening now. So don't waste too much energy.
2- Be fearless... or fear less. Everything will be fine.
3- Being too serious is not very pleasant trait because it bring something in you that is not very appealing to anyone. So why you want to be this way. "

First of all, I somehow figured this question the other way round, something more like "How on earth can we take ourselves less seriously when it must be more seriously?" But apparently you really meant what you wrote, not with any sarcasm.
Second, in my opinion "things" should be definitely separated from "ourselves". Since not necessarily "taking seriously" happens simultaneously "more" or "less" for these two. In fact in many cases those who take themselves more seriously, take things less seriously...
Generally speaking, everyone should have some type of "sorting and categorizing" for things, and "evaluating" for self. This way, every issue will be taken only seriously enough. Specifically answering your question, sometimes it's enough to believe that the world was not build around one person, and things happen because they happen.
So you see? We are back to our old discussion on "thinking too much" and "just doing it"!
"By taking tiny things in everyday life more seriously."

IT'S NOT ...

.. ``It's not your spread, and it's not how strong you are, and it's not how fast you are, because you have all those thing...