Sunday, January 30, 2011


You do not kill demons, because they do not exist outside your mind. You do not fight them either, because they are part of who you are; suppressed emotions, experiences, and thoughts in the darkest areas of your mind. You talk about them honestly and you open your heart, so that the consciousness lights up the shadows and the grace of non-judgmental acceptance makes the demons what they truly are, part of us and our experience, maybe painful but no threat to our existence. And we let roaches be, not as demons anymore, just small creatures :)


Wanted to see me suffer?
Or don't you care anymore?
Now be a witness
Have you seen a heart unfold?
It first breaks
and after a few drinks,
it starts disintegrating
and covers miles and miles
You smoke a cigarette
and feel the void
where it used to be your heart
only a void
that nothing in the world
can fill


“There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.” By Lord Buddha
"Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there. " Unknown
  "Its weird, you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just one more second, just so it can hurt a little more."  Unknown
" It takes a minute to like some one, an hour to love some one, but to forget some one it takes a life time. "  Unknown
"The hardest part of loving some one is to know when to let go and to know when to say good bye. " Unknown
  "Trying to forget some one you love is like trying to remember some one you never knew."  Unknown
"Friendship is perhaps one of the most beautiful relationships that two people can share. Friendship is about sharing each other’s opinions, dreams, fears, aspirations and hopes. Friendship is about engaging conversations, which go on and on as friends lose track of time. Friendship is about cherishing old memories of togetherness and creating new ones everyday. Although when you watch friends hanging out and having a great time it seems as if these people just belong together, friendship does require a sound mutual understanding with lots and lots of love and care for each other."


Saturday, January 29, 2011


  • I believe in practices, and doing small things, so what are the practices to deal with a demon?
"Practices" are small things that we do to gain insight and balance in life. A practice can be as simple as washing dishes, or it can be a detailed system of rituals (like Kyudo). The main point is to do the practice with whole heart and presence.
  • am seeing a very good psychiatrist. As before, he cannot find the right medication for me. Last time, he admitted that even when I respond positively to a medication, the effect goes away with time.  He is not sure why, or he thinks that the reason is not important.
  • Shadi has written a very good post about roaches ... I should write about them too. I think they are a key ingredient in my depression, or at least a good sign of it :)
In my experience, depression is usually associated with some compulsive-obsessive behaviors. One example is that small fears and worries become too significant. One of my old fears, from childhood, has been associated with roaches. When I am really well now, I can touch dead roaches. When I am really depressed, the sound of a roaches wakes me up and I cannot go to sleep unless I find and kill it. 

    Friday, January 28, 2011

    Mato (Target)

    Here is my lady
    with an inviting chest

    From the corner of my eye
    I watch her
    a seductive whisper: hit me

    Shaking hands heavy breathing
    aching muscles expanding

    All gets quiet
    the moment of truth
    tension flies, screaming

    Arrow pierces her heart
    and I thank her
    and ask forgiveness


    Last night, my Kyudo Sesnei asked me how I see the target. He sees them as cute playful bunnies. I could not answer, I just knew something seductive and  inviting in the target. Today in the morning, I visioned a women with naked chest and friendly face. I was looking at the middle of her breasts, non-sexually, and there was something there that confused me. After a while, I realized that is the way I see the target, an inviting lady friends who offered her heart to me, open and selfless, and I am being appreciative. I wrote this poem!

    The combination of these elements makes this a good listen, in traditional Iranian music. I am captivated by the depth of Hafez poems and the mastery of Shahnaz in playing TAR.


    Monday, January 24, 2011

    How we deny our selves

    A few ways of rejecting our selves:
    • We project our feelings and state of the mind onto others around, specially those who are close to us. We are angry, but instead of dealing with the anger, we "see" our spouse angry. We need attention and love, but instead of seeking it, we "see" people as if they need love and attention (or sometimes we actively search for people in despair) and shower them with love and attention.
    • We explain and justify ourselves and seek others approval. We try to share all our experiences, happy/sad, beautiful/ugly, etc., as if we are not enough to experience them and there should be others with us to make the experience meaningful.
    • We do not take full responsibility of our choices and actions, we involve others into the process and want them to make decisions for us. We refuse the joy of taking the risk, benefiting from good decisions, and learning from mistakes, as if we have forgotten how, as a child, we drew simple pleasure out of our little experiences.
    For me all three items appear stronger in the times that I cannot sit with myself, and am looking for a place to hide!? :)


    Incidentally, I got this in my email today.

    How our mind projects our vision on the real world:

    Story (NPR):

    Video on youtube:


    Today, I received one of those emails about Arabs invading Iran and destroying our identities, and that we have to fight back and get rid of everything Arabic/Islamic because they are the source of our problems !? :)
    Here is what I wrote back:
    "When someone who is rapped in childhood goes to therapy, s/he is not advised to "forget" the incident, or even worse, to deny that it happened, or even worse, to believe it has not had any effect on his/her identity. They ask him/her to accept that incident as part of experiences s/he has had in life. In fact, in order to "reduce" the negative impact of such incident on the victim, the first step is to see it just as it was.
    Our experiences shape who we are, whether we like them or not, and "denial" is probably the worst strategy (for an adult) to deal with unpleasant experiences.
    Think about this and then decide for yourself what you want to do with that part of our history. I am not interested in telling anyone how to think, neither do I have the information to do so. Everyone of us has to find his/her own ways ... I just wanted to offer  an alternative way of looking at this [Arab invasion of Iran and the effect on our culture and other aspects of our lives] that may be helpful to some."

      Friday, January 21, 2011

      The Circle

      • I am reading the following which I wrote last night. It makes sense, more or less, and I can see "the circle", but unlike last night that I felt confined in "the circle", now I can look at it from above, somewhat detached, and definitely less annoyed by it. Incidentally, we had great sex this morning. So I want to go ahead and say: 
      "Great sex gives you a third eye on the top of the circle." --Lotus

      I have to stop thinking.
      Life goes in a circle.
      Only time moves on.
      There is no escape from the circle.
      I do the same mistakes, over and over.
      There is nothing out there.
      We are left to ourselves, to a dream, an imagination.
      There is no good or bad, we make things up.
      To escape the reality, that only death is real.
      I have to stop thinking.
      Life goes in a circle.
      Only time moves on.

      My depression plays me, plays my doctor.
      It has a mind of its own.
      It enjoys the circle.
      The sad thing about dpepression
      is not the sadness, crying all the time, until even sadness loses its meaning
      is the certainty,
      that it comes back, no matter what
      that I know in a couple of days, I feel enlighted
      then I will have visions
      then I feel the pressure
      then I feel sadness
      then I connect with music and poem
      then I cry all the time
      then I see I am played by depression
      then I feel enlightened
      then I will have visions
      then I feel the pressure

      The kid inside me
      is punishing me
      for everything I wished for
      for everything I did to him
      I try to bargain
      I give up everything to make the kid happy
      but now he only enjoys punishing me

      What is the point of writing?

      Tuesday, January 18, 2011

      VASF OL HAAL :)))

      Shajarian hitting amazingly high notes:

      You are in love when you listen to this and every strike of note land in your heart and starts a tear:

      Shajarian hitting amazingly low notes - very contemplative and meditative piece:

      Friday, January 14, 2011

      Turn Your Head Or Don't

      You know that
      in a day or two
      --in several days,
      if I am lucky--
      everything will change
      I won't email you,
      won't talk to you,
      I won't be able
      to even look at you

      Colors change, so easy,
      living with depression ...

      The House That Is Not There Anymore

      Time is elastic
      like the ball
      we used to play with
      when we were kids
      and the small, rooftop room
      in grandma's house
      filled with dusted magazines
      and we would spend hours
      if not days
      reading them
      watching their pictures
      living their characters lives
      and forgetting everything else
      because time
      is elastic
      after all

      Thursday, January 13, 2011

      The Secret Unveils and Silence Prevails

      The secret, a sprout deep under ice
      Unveils the sunshine, cold winter gusts

      and last kiss, I feel, sparks in your eyes

      Silence of the meadow grows up my feet
      Prevails stillness, fading steps, your last waltz

      Tuesday, January 11, 2011


      Photography inspired by my poem :)

      No Rain

      In the depth of your eyes
      I see the brown of an exhausted river
      that once proudly filled its banks
      I hear fishermen songs
      as they sail contently

      And I ask their ghosts
      How do you sail back to your lovers
      on the shores of a dried river?

      A tear blossoms ...



      I want to hate you
      when your love
      makes me
      do something stupid
      feel embarrassed
      feel alive!

      The Way of Happenings

      A feeling
      in the middle of an endless night
      makes you go there
      a lady finds you
      and spares you
      hours of waiting in line

      hours later
      hours of absorbing Dali
      you are back home
      feeling alive

      The next morning
      you walk in a park
      you see a lady
      you are drawn to her
      and she tells you
      to see the gardens

      In the gardens
      you sit
      in freezing cold
      on a stone
      to feel a fire
      in your belly
      and then
      you don't recognize
      familiar places
      anymore ...

      Monday, January 10, 2011

      Sunday, January 09, 2011

      Atlanta Botanical Gardens

      "Gardening is the slowest of performing arts." -Mac Griswald


      I came back from the "High Museum of Art" an hour ago. They kept the museum open 36 hours for the closing of the "Dali: Late Works" exhibition. I was there at 3:00 am, the museum was packed and the line to enter was very long. I was thinking about going back home that a lady showed up and gave me an extra ticket!
      I was there for two and half hours until 5:30 and I came back home completely refreshed and in a good mood. This was my second time seeing the exhibition and this time I enjoyed Dali's work much more.

      With special thanks to Aftab Banoo to introduce this to me -- Destino: Dali & Disney

       and this is fun :))


      Saturday, January 08, 2011

      Euology for a Doomed Heart

      This heart never saw the beauty of life
      buried under confusing thoughts and wishes

      Served those who did not cared for her
      ignorant of the love surrounding her

      She left, bruised by her forever chains
      missing the spontaneity of expression

      Never felt the purity of love
      nor the joy of being pure

      She suffered while of a miserable life
      to claim the misery of death most bearable

      May this heart descend into the bottomless pit
      and accompany her likes to eternity



      From Here [Picture Link]

      From Here [Picture Link]

      Thursday, January 06, 2011


      When everything is blurred
      faces unrecognizable
      and you do not know
      whom you love
      write a poem


      Oh, my sweetest dream
      do not tell me
      your worst fears
      your darkest nightmares
      I never appreciated
      the purity
      of your tender soul

      With You and Without You

      I close my eyes
      and see myself
      at your door
      if you fancy a beer

      Kitchen is to the right
      as I imagined

      I sit by a small table
      and watch your grace
      moving around

      A sip of beer,
      I close my eyes
      feel your trace
      and breathe you in




      You words surround me
      like African wild dogs
      poking their sharp teeth
      into my flesh
      Call your dogs!
      Why can't we go
      our separate ways?

      Wednesday, January 05, 2011


      You are a tiny shadow
      a silhouette
      on my horizon

      I am weak
      exhausted of heaviness
      and longing for
      a glance of light




      So many questions to ask
      so much laments to settle

      And you are afraid
      that an innocent smile
      grinds you to nothing

      You keep crying, stabbing,
      and praying
      that something lets go
      sooner or later


      يوسف گم گشته - حافظ
      كلبه‏ء احزان شود روزي گلستان غم مخور
      وين سر شوريده باز آيد به سامان غم مخور
      چتر گل در سركشي اي مرغ خوشخوان غم مخور
      دائما يكسان نباشد حال دوران غم مخور
      باشد اندر پرده بازيهاي پنهان غم مخور
      چون ترا نوح است كشتي‏بان ز طوفان غم مخور
      سر زنشها گر كند خار مغيلان غم مخور‏
      هيچ راهي نيست كانرا نيست پايان غم مخور
      جمله ميداند خداي حال گردان غم مخور
      تابود وردت دعا و درس قرآن غم مخور
      يوسف گم گشته باز آيد به كنعان غم مخور
      اي دل غمديده حالت به شود دل بد مكن
      گر بهار عمر باشد باز بر تخت چمن
      دور گردون گر دو روزي بر مراد ما نرفت
      هان مشو نوميد چون واقف نئي از سر غيب
      اي دل ار سيل فنابنياد هستي بر كند
      در بيابان گر به شوق كعبه خواهي زد قدم
      گر چه منزل بس خطرناك است و مقصد بس بعيد
      حال ما در فرقت جانان و ابرام رقيب
      حافظا در كنج فقر و خلوت شبهاي تار


      IT'S NOT ...

      .. ``It's not your spread, and it's not how strong you are, and it's not how fast you are, because you have all those thing...