Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mirror Relationships

I have been dealing with difficulty in my relationships from the time I can remember. For the last couple of years, since I opened up my self, I have been even more disappointed. I have had some intuitions in the past few days that I want to document here, at least for my own reference in the future. Here, "relationship" does not have to be romantic. It is more general, and can be related to work, parents, neighbors, friends, and more.

First, a couple of basic observations:
Observation-0. If you are an adult in a bad relationship, part of you needs or enjoys that relationship.

Therefore,  until you find the root of the bad relationship, even if you terminate one, another will emerge.
Observation-1. There is no point in terminating a bad relationship, learn from them.

Our relationships are the results of our habits. To change habits, the first step is to observe them carefully and non-judgmentally.
Observation-2. Observe your bad relationships with calm and without passing judgments.

Because a lot of emotions are involved, "observation-2" above is much more difficult in practice than it sound. Having a ``fair'' understanding of your relationships can be very helpful.
Observation-3. Relationships can be asymmetric.

What you feel about a relationship can be completely different from what the other side feels. 
Mirror Relationships.  Suppose you are in a bad relationship with "A".
1- Observe your feelings and your thoughts, specially in response to "A"s actions. Also, observe the action and reflection of feelings and thoughts in "A".
2- Find another relationship, say with "B", such that  "B"'s actions and feelings about the relationship with you (as far as you can observe) is close to your actions and feelings in the relationship with "A", and your actions and thoughts in relationship with "B" is close to "A"s actions and thoughts (as far as you can observe) in the relationship with you.
Now, "you <-> A " and "B <-> you" are mirror relationships.
3- Every time you are in a difficult situation in either of the two relationships (with "A" or with "B"), make a parallel to the mirror relationship and try to remember a similar situation there.

2 comments:

  1. Lotus jaan, I needed this post! All you've written is so true, problem is that I can not break free from bad habits ;(

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  2. Aftab banoo, habits and relationships require time and patience and observation without judgment. This is as far as my experience has taught me. I wish there were other people, more expert, who could share their experience with us ... but for now, I cannot say more

    I am sure you will get through the difficult phase and little by little conquer your bad habits too, just be patient and work on them ... this is all there is to life :)

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