Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Giving Up

Even if I am tired, my mind does not know the concept of resting, it keep chattering and chattering, churning and grinding.

What do I want to write? It is all said so many times. Maybe that my mind has become my number one enemy, Nah, too cheesy. Well, but it is true, so maybe I can find a better way of saying this.

I am going to try to ignore my mind, let it churn and grind, even when I am working, playing tennis, having sex, or even when I attain a moment of equilibrium in my body while swimming, it keeps doing what it does best, talking and talking.

Am I loosing my mind? Am I going to die. Well, my limbs are alright, check. I can still work, teach and so some research, check. I can do everything, so I am not going to die, at least not know. So maybe I should just ignore my mind.

But how is that going to work? What I am writing is just my mind chatters ... Who is deciding what? Am I loosing my mind?

Who are these people around me? What do I feel about my life? What do I want to do with my life? Who knows, any answer is just my mind trick to play me anyway. How is it possible, I wonder, that part of me tries to wear me down?

Who are these people around me? How do I feel about them? How do I know what is love? Whom do I love?

I am writing this post, what else do I want to write? Ahh, many things I cannot write here, maybe I should start an anonymous weblog, and write all these chatters? But why should I care if they are read? What is it about others? Can't I just write them on a piece of paper and then burn it? I guess I can, but it does not feel the same.

Should I publish this post? Why? Who cares anyway? Do you want others to care? Are you looking for sympathy, but cannot express it in a direct way? Who knows, it is all in my mind, and I already know that my mind is trying to wear me down. Ultimately, my mind is going to kill me. Why is my mind so much against me?

I feel alright, check. I do my work, to some extent, play tennis, have sex, what else? Have some friends ... are they really my friends? How do I know they are my friends? Does it matter? Can anyone help me with my crazy mind? Well, my doctor gives me prescriptions. It could have been much worse. Remember? Oh, I cannot write everything here.

Should I publish this post? Who cares anyway? How does it matter to me? Does anything matter for me? Yes, physical activity is good, slows down my mind, sometimes, remember that night? Could not sleep because your mind was going at crazy speeds? Ah, things may get better, or maybe get worse? Who knows, I am already 40. How many more years to I have to live? Can you imagine living another 20 years, all the time this mind churning and grinding? Oh boy, let's think about something happier...


  1. Oh boy! Your mind does chatter quite a lot!!!

  2. You mean you have read the whole thing? LOL

    I know, I used to think that most people are like me, having this constant conversations with themselves, but I am not sure anymore :)

  3. Reading this post after more than four years, I feel grateful for everything. Today was a difficult day, very difficult, but still much better than what is described in this post!
    I guess it was difficult in a different way. I have much better feeling about my life and what I am doing. Sometimes I get really nervous and frightened, but I think that is part of being alive.


IT'S NOT ...

.. ``It's not your spread, and it's not how strong you are, and it's not how fast you are, because you have all those thing...