Thursday, September 16, 2010

Earth is Shaking

Today I went to see my doctor, and he confirmed my worst nightmare, that all my obsessive, compulsive, paranoid, hallucinatory behavior and thoughts are consistent with worsening of my depression. I have been suspecting and avoiding this for a few months now. Even though I talked and wrote about it, but I was in denial, thinking that meditation and opening up and such is helping me go through a change in my life.

Now I see how I deceived myself, hurt myself and others, manipulated myself and others all this time. But worst than that, I feel ground is shaking and falling underneath me. If I can deceive myself into all this, then what is real in my life? What am "I" after all? Things seem very confusing at the moment ...

4 comments:

  1. trust your heart and don't let your mind defeat you ! I don't know you but I read some of your post and I just don't feel you have been deceiving yourself, all of us feel confused at some points but we just need to clear our thoughts and back on to the track !

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  2. Thanks dear "meltab21" for your kind and wise words ... it is a very difficult period for me, but I am growing too :)

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  3. It's been more than a week since you wrote here...I hope you are doing well.
    Remember, this is all because of the unbalance in some chemical substances within your body and has little to do with you as a person. So the real "you" is there, sitting somewhere between your darker and brighter days. You just have to let the right medicine and therapies help you find it and bring it out of the dark. I hope it gets brighter, and the earth stops shaking.
    Wishing you all the best and looking forward to reading from you soon...

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  4. Salaam dear Nava!
    Thanks for your kind words of advice. I have had a volatile week, but things look brighter now, and something is emerging as you predicted.
    Hope all is well with you!
    take care

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