Sunday, September 26, 2010

Circle of existence

Thinkers believe they are the center of the existence
Yet, love knows that they are wondering in this circle
HAFEZ

FARSI:
AAGHELAN  NOGHTE'YE  PARGAR'E  VOJOODAND VALI
ESHGH  DAANAD  KE  DAR IN DAYERE SARGARDANAAND

A friend gave me an amazing insight today.
In dealing with feelings/intuitions/insights, first be a mindful observer, do not act on them mindlessly!

By the way, this poem is features in a Shajarian Album, ESHGH DANAD, which is a pure masterpiece of music, period.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Earth is Shaking

Today I went to see my doctor, and he confirmed my worst nightmare, that all my obsessive, compulsive, paranoid, hallucinatory behavior and thoughts are consistent with worsening of my depression. I have been suspecting and avoiding this for a few months now. Even though I talked and wrote about it, but I was in denial, thinking that meditation and opening up and such is helping me go through a change in my life.

Now I see how I deceived myself, hurt myself and others, manipulated myself and others all this time. But worst than that, I feel ground is shaking and falling underneath me. If I can deceive myself into all this, then what is real in my life? What am "I" after all? Things seem very confusing at the moment ...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

opening

We never fully realize the vastness of a moment as long as we mentally prepare ourselves for it.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Needs

Today, I first have a strange vision of a big void inside me, and I am on the verge of looking at it to find out what it is.

I feel I have great difficulty answering a simple question, ``what do I want from life?'' I think this is closely related to that void.

Then, I come across the following lines in Michael Gelbs book, ``Body Learning'':

``Alexander continually stressed the importance of accurate sensory appreciation. One of his teaching aphorism was that `feeling when it is right, is of much more use than what they call mind.' As our sensory appreciation improves we may find that we are getting clearer messages about our true needs.

According to a spiritual teacher ... the path to self-realization involves finding out what one's true needs are and then fulfilling  them. ... Discovering one's true needs is no easy trick; all kinds of excess and silliness are indulged in under the guise of `doing what one really feels like.' If our sensory appreciation is inaccurate we cannot be sure what our true needs are, but as our standard of rightness develops, intuition begins to be a more valuable tool, and it become more difficult to fool ourselves.

To improve our sensory standard we must temporarily suspend the judgments we make on the basis of it and be prepared to experience something beyond habit. This process of suspending judgement ... involves the cultivation of an objective and detached awareness that will enable us to apply the experimental method in studying our own behavior. This takes some courage, as it may lead us to question our basic assumptions, ... '' (pp. 56-57)

Friday, September 10, 2010

Shadows

Thoughts are shadows, ghosts, spirits
Or maybe they are more like flies
They come, they go, and sometimes hang around
And they leave a stain when you push them too hard

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Comments on the Jannati's News

Ahmad Jannati is reported to be hospitalized after a stroke and to be in comma. Here are comments on the web site that reported the news:


·         احتمالا اومده بگه ددمنشانه مغزش هنگ کرده
·         نه! من که باورم نمیشه. جنّتی؟ واااای سه هزار سال تاریخ پس چی میشه؟ تازه میخواستیم با ژن جنتی دایناسورها را زنده کنیم.
·         خدایا به حق این ماه عزیز جنتی رو به ما پس بده، خدا دمناشنه رفتار نکن!
·         الهی العفو العفو :((( آقا آخرالزمانه :))))
·         احتمالا روزه گرفته غش و ضعف کرده والا جنتی مردنی نیست ، عزرائیل رو به طرز ددمنشه ای . . ددمنیشینه ای . . میکشه ولی جون بده نیست
·         این حرکت ددمناشهء...ددمنشنایه منه...ددنشهء دشمن رو محکوم می کنیم
·         تازه داشت یه چیزایی از خاطرات بازی با دایناسورا رو تعریف میکرد...حیف بود!
·         غنچهٔ ولایت نشکفته پرپر شد، گریه حضار.
·         عزرائیل جون مادرت یه فشار دیگه بهش بده یک وقت از کما در نیاد
·         یارب این نو گل خندان که سپردی به منش می سپارم به تو از دست حسود چمنش
·         فکر کن عزرائیل جرات کنه جون جنتی رو بگیره, اگه این جنتی که در یک حرکت انقلابی عزرائیل رو ضربه فنی میکنه !
·         مغزش مرده ولی قلبش بازم میزنه! من شنیده بودم میگفتن اگه سن جنتی رو از میانگین سن امید به زندگی در ایران دربیارن - این سن از 70 سال به 20 سال کاهش پیدا میکنه :))
·         عزرائيل امشب شب سختي رو در پيش داره. براش دعا کنيم
·         کمای مغزی!!!مگه مغزی هم داشت این بنده خدا؟
·         عمرا عزرائيل تنهایی حریف جنتی نمیشه :)
·         اگر نامهربان (جلاد) بودیم و رفتیم....
·         ای جنتی شیطون فقط آخر عمری می خواستی کروبی و موسوی رو پیش ما خراب کنی , تنهایی 50 میلیارد $ رو خوردن یه آبم روش ما هم اینجا سرمون بی کلاه موند :)
·         همه فرشته ها با هم رفتن سراغش...اسرافیل و جبرئیل دست و پاهاش رو گرفتن، عزرائیل داره جونش رو از تنش جدا می کنه :))))
·         هنوز تو فایت با عزارییله..بکن برو دیگه..ددمنیشه جون :دی
·         یارب این نوگل خندان که سپردی به منشه منشنه. مناشنه..
·         حالا یه هشتاد سال هم تو کما می‌مونه!
·         می گفتن امسال سال حرکت جمعی به سوی امام هست بی حساب نبوده پس
·         با مرگ احمد جنتی، میانگین سنی‌ کشور ایران به ۲۵ سال تقلیل خواهد
·         عزرائیل : مسولیت من گرفتن جان انسانهاست نه دایناسور ها :)
·         لو رفتن نوار مکالمات بیسیمی حاکی از آن است که عزراییل درخواست نیروی کمکی‌ کرده است
·         رهبر ما آن پزشکیست که از اتاق عمل بیرون میاد و در حالی‌ که دستکشاش رو در میاره، سر تکون میده و میگه : متأسفم
·         استراحتی کوتاه می‌کنیم تا لحظاتی بعد ضربات پنالتی قهرمان رو از بین احمد جنتی و عزراییل مشخص کنه
·         احمد جنتی، تنها شاهد عینی بازمانده قتل قابیل، ترور شد
·         یادش بخیر روز 26 رمضون قدیما جشن مرگ ابن ملجم میگرفتن چه نوستالژیک شد
·         باورم نميشه!!!!! بالاخره يه چيزي پيدا كردم كه در آينده براي بچه هام! با افتخار تعريف كنم! بگم باباتون مرگ جنتي رو به چشم ديد!
·         از بیمارستان خبر رسید کوماندوهای آمریکایی‌ به بیمارستان حمله کردن تا جسد جنتی رو ببرن روش تحقیق کنن
·         الان دنیا به ۲ قسمت تقسیم می‌شه : یکی‌ قبل از مرگ جنتی یکی‌ بعدش
·         مرگ جنتی مبدا تاریخ عصر جدید محسوب میشه تا پیش از این دانشمندان تاریخ شناس فکر میکردن جنتی نمیمیره حالا تاریخ رو به دوقسمت تقسیم میکنن قبل از مرگ جنتی و بعد از مرگ جنتی
·         بالاخره می میره دیگه چه امشب چه ۲-۳هزار سال دیگه
·         میگن حورهای بهشتی با دیدن این جنتی اعتصاب غذا کردن و برای همین قرار برگرده به همین دنیا و نماز جمعه را خودش این هفته برگزار کنه
·         میگن مشکل فقط سر رضایت شیطان است. شیطان مانع ورود جنتی به جهنم میشود و میگوید: "جون هرکی دوست دارید ولمون کنید، من یکی که حریف این جونور نمیشم"
·         عزرائیل پس از راند اول: جنتی از روشهای غیر اخلاقی استفاده میکند
·         گزارش میرسه که حال عزارییل هم خیلی خوب نیست.
·         جناب آقای جنتی! بهترین کاری که در طول حیاتت کردی همین سکته مغزی بود!
·         در پی شایعه مرگ احمد جنتی در جهنم حالت فوق العاده اعلام شد!
·         جنتي رفته تو کما، در روش قفل شده، نمی‌تونه بیاد بیرون !
·         -گویا کمپین یادآوری جنتی به حضرت عزرائیل دارد جواب میدهد
·         پیام عزائیل از بیمارستان : هم اکنون در راند ۸ هستیم متاسفانه به مشکل بر خوردیم
·         آخرین خبر از جنتی : عزرائیل میگوید برای گرفتن جانش نیاز به 20 کیلوگرم اورانیوم 100% هست تا با قدرت انفجار روحش در بره.
·         گزارش مستقیم: عزرائیل ۱:جنتی ۲ تا دقیقه ی ۷۳ .به گفته ی کارشناسان این آخرین فرصت برای عزرائیل است
 

Monday, September 06, 2010

Body Learning

Yesterday, at the Decatur Book Festival, I bought a book about the "Alexander Technique." The book's name is "Body Learning" by Michael Gelb. I have read the first two chapters and I have already some interesting quotes to put here. Coincidentally, yesterday I also came across a blog with a very interesting post on posture and how body and mind interact. If I can remember the blog I will add a link to that post here :)

Quotes:

``The most valuable knowledge we can possess is of the use and functioning of the self.'' p.25

``Dewey believed that the formation and execution of ideas depended on habits.`Reason pure of all influence from prior habit is fiction,' he said, adding that `the real opposition is not between reason and habit, but between routine unintelligent habit and intelligent habit or art.

The organization of our physical, emotional and intellectual functions is extremely complex. The important thing to remember about these three functions is that we do have a choice about the way we employ them. The most fundamental form of misuse is the failure to make choices.'' p.33

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Giving Up

Even if I am tired, my mind does not know the concept of resting, it keep chattering and chattering, churning and grinding.

What do I want to write? It is all said so many times. Maybe that my mind has become my number one enemy, Nah, too cheesy. Well, but it is true, so maybe I can find a better way of saying this.

I am going to try to ignore my mind, let it churn and grind, even when I am working, playing tennis, having sex, or even when I attain a moment of equilibrium in my body while swimming, it keeps doing what it does best, talking and talking.

Am I loosing my mind? Am I going to die. Well, my limbs are alright, check. I can still work, teach and so some research, check. I can do everything, so I am not going to die, at least not know. So maybe I should just ignore my mind.

But how is that going to work? What I am writing is just my mind chatters ... Who is deciding what? Am I loosing my mind?

Who are these people around me? What do I feel about my life? What do I want to do with my life? Who knows, any answer is just my mind trick to play me anyway. How is it possible, I wonder, that part of me tries to wear me down?

Who are these people around me? How do I feel about them? How do I know what is love? Whom do I love?

I am writing this post, what else do I want to write? Ahh, many things I cannot write here, maybe I should start an anonymous weblog, and write all these chatters? But why should I care if they are read? What is it about others? Can't I just write them on a piece of paper and then burn it? I guess I can, but it does not feel the same.

Should I publish this post? Why? Who cares anyway? Do you want others to care? Are you looking for sympathy, but cannot express it in a direct way? Who knows, it is all in my mind, and I already know that my mind is trying to wear me down. Ultimately, my mind is going to kill me. Why is my mind so much against me?

I feel alright, check. I do my work, to some extent, play tennis, have sex, what else? Have some friends ... are they really my friends? How do I know they are my friends? Does it matter? Can anyone help me with my crazy mind? Well, my doctor gives me prescriptions. It could have been much worse. Remember? Oh, I cannot write everything here.

Should I publish this post? Who cares anyway? How does it matter to me? Does anything matter for me? Yes, physical activity is good, slows down my mind, sometimes, remember that night? Could not sleep because your mind was going at crazy speeds? Ah, things may get better, or maybe get worse? Who knows, I am already 40. How many more years to I have to live? Can you imagine living another 20 years, all the time this mind churning and grinding? Oh boy, let's think about something happier...

One Day Trip

I am back from a one-day trip to .... let's say my angry side. I am digesting the lessons I learned, and will write them here.

Body Intelligence

As Lucy reflected on her outrageous behavior of the night before, the memory only served to draw her upward, like a flower toward the sun...