1) I learned a lesson (or, I think so) from 2-3 really bad days last week: Finish small tasks even when you feel so bad that you "think" you cannot do anything :)
I am "trying" to implement the lesson today. As long as I do not think about future or past and give my attention to what I am doing, it is fine. I cannot really do creative work though, but can finish small tasks and feel alive :)
2) There is a concept in life, that when there is an "opportunity" (say to to enjoy), it is better to use it (enjoy it) while it last :) I have a very childish approach to this: I want to shape the opportunity into the way I (my ego?) wants it, and if that cannot happen, I get mad and let go of the whole thing, or even worse, I destroy the opportunity for myself to make sure that I cannot enjoy it anymore, kind of getting even with myself.
I think this is a combination of "perfectionism" and "self-hatred" :)
3) It seems that what I write here is simply for showing off, not for any sort of genuine communication :) I am not sure showing "what" off: my pains and suffering to get sympathy, or my joys and achievements to prove my superiority. Anyway, too much ego is involved here!
Clearly I am quite mad at myself today. I cannot understand why, but going back to "1" above, I should probably just try to let it pass and stay alive by doing small things :) Tomorrow is another day, for my sake!
And then, I just sit and cry hard, for the baby within me, as I see how for 35 years I have pulled and pushed it through all sorts of abuses, as I can see how it is all bruised from the tortures of these long years, standing there shy and waiting for me to see, to stop just for a moment and see the hopeless creature who has been standing in front of me all this time, oh dear, what have I done to you?
My mom and dad are good people and I love them. Both of them were orphans and received little love and affection, and have had a difficult time showing affection, especially for me as their first child. My mom had mild depression and anxiety too, and my dad stayed away from house by going on business trips and such. I grew up to become an angry adolescent, with myself and my parents, and caused them lots of trouble. Once that I had done too much, my mom wrote me a note saying, " ..., I really love you, please accept this gift."
I read the note, and I felt "strange", yes, because I could not remember my mom ever writing to me that she loves me!
My mom and dad are very good people and I love them, they just did not know how to show love and affection ...