Friday, May 01, 2009

panic and vision

I was telling Sima today, when we had lunch in the airport before her departure, that I remember a couple of distinct memories of clear vision, meaning that situations that I could feel the outcome of a possible path.

First case was when I convinced my father that I should take the math-physics national exam (KONKOOR), because I saw that there was no way I could became a doctor (get into a descent medical program) as my dad wished. That time I could convince him, fortunately.
Another incident was 5 years ago, when I first went on job market as a PhD candidate and failed (got a job the second time around :) It was the first week of Fall semester (a beautiful August day) and I was walking between two campus buildings (DKH to Wohlers) that I suddenly saw I could not get a job that year. This time I was not bold enough to convince my advisor and Sima to give me another year.

The cases that I can remember, the vision was actually a negative thing: The second incident, I panicked and was really frustrated. There is nothing romantic in seeing things, it is almost ugly and depressing, if one does not have the power to deal with it properly!

Recently, after I started my new experiments a few months ago, I have milder feelings about decisions, not as sharp as those visions, but kind of easier to manage. Still, when the decision is really consequential and there are outside forces, the process becomes really depressing (like a case that I had to choose whether to do a visitng in the coming year, and I had a bad feeling and finally refused).

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