Cats and More ...

I woke up at 4:30 this morning from a strange dream. I cannot remember the details but cats and some characters from the Haruki Murakami's novel, ``Kafka on the Shore'' were involved. I woke up with a strong feeling of loss, of missing something or someone, a feeling that something important is my life has gone terribly wrong, an unbearable sense of loneliness and hopelessness.

Encounter

Where is the butterfly?
The heavy, bold, black man
throws off his hat
shaking and panting

I stare in disgust
at a sweat line traveling
the hardened vein on his skull
You've got to shed some weight!

The Girl in a Blue Dress

Everything's alright, I say
in my most reassuring tone.
Then I let go of her hand
and look out the window
of the 24 hour diner

A deserted street,
an empty parking lot,
rows of gas pumps,
and a red neon sign,
Miller Lite

She shakes her head
says in the slightest voice
Happiness is a solitude, a mountain top
once you reach there
nowhere to go, but to descend

Empty Bowl

Floating seaweeds
in a miso soup
my heart grows
and I find patience
near the bottom

Report

Thursday, March 1, 2012, was the end of a long spell of extremely difficult struggles with depression. That night, after a long talk with Maziar, I decided to give up on my search for knowing myself and my heart.
On Sunday, March 3, 2012, I was caught up in a euphoric-maniac state of mind. After a long talk with my brother, I decided to not trust my thoughts anymore, specially when they are extreme or when I am in an extreme state of mind.
Monday and Tuesday were okay. In the afternoon of Wednesday, March 7, 2012, I felt the start of another phase of depression as strikes of anxiety in my stomach. On Thursday, March 8, 2012, these sensations grew into periods of extreme fear and guilt with a strong sense of nausea.
The depression stroke hard in the evenings of Friday, March 9, and Saturday, March 10, 2012. The only new aspect was that I could commit to not trusting my thought processes. That lead into a sense of emotional suspension in me. I was feeling as if I am a bubble floating around in the currents of poisonous thoughts. I was not sure how I could make any decisions or take any actions.
Last night (Saturday night) I was watching the movie, "Hangover", and I laughed a lot. When I went out to smoke a cigarette, I felt that a switch in me turned off and I was out of depression. I could hear a weak calm voice from the center of my body that answered my questions with patience. I knew that I was back to a more normal state of mind.
Today, Sunday, March 11, 2012, things have been relatively quiet. I am still on the fence with my thoughts and do not fully trust them. Sometimes, I let the thoughts pass and I ask the faint, calm voice what he thinks. Often times, he tells me to be patient and just let the thoughts come and go, without taking any actions.

These days I am reading the Haruki Murakami's novel, ``Kafka on the Shore''. It is a wonderful book and is steadily climbing to the top of my most favorite list. Here is an excerpt that speaks a lot to me:

Oshima reaches out and lays a hand on my knee in a totally natural gesture. ``Kafka, in everybody's life there's a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can't go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That's how we survive.'' p. 161, Kafka on the Shore